Martin Amis bombshell rocks literati

Splenetic haiku downs old lady

by Ian Ascough

Scientists at St. Mellon's University in suburban Cardiff have today released shocking findings of a ten-year study into the work of influential literary blowhard Martin Amis. Using revolutionary new technology and with the help of an ancient Greek formula known as Pappus's Theorem, St. Mellon engineers have come to the conclusion that the difference between the collective works of Martin Amis and an aggregation of arcane, scholarly feculence is almost impossible to distinguish with any degree of accuracy.

Natasha Kaplinsky: Unavailable Astucious Rockall Times readers who took advantage of our two-for-one Waterstone's offer last week will know that Pappus summarised all Greek mathematics in the eight volume Mathematical Collection. Published circa 340 BC, the work contains Pappus's own theorem which states that the surface generated by the revolution of a curve about an external axis is equal to the product of the arc length of the generating curve and the distance travelled by the curve's geometric centroid. Or, more simply, S = sd₁ = 2psX₁.

Combining Pappus's theorem with space-age NASA technology, experts at St. Mellons compared London Fields by Martin Amis to 再會, a book by fledgling author Iæin Shephèrd. Speaking to the assembled world press, scientist Dr. Saul Bellow of St. Mellon's said: "The literary press had a field day with Iæin Shephèrd's overly pretentious 再會 and the criticism was even more severe after the book had been translated from its original Cantonese into Portuguese and finally into English. London Fields, Amis's 1989 novel, was hailed a modern masterpiece by critics too daunted by the thought of admitting they hadn't a clue what he was on about."

Simon Sebag Montefiore, a reviewer for the Times literary supplement, sniffed: "Initially I thought Iæin Shephèrd might be someone to keep an eye on. I did a bit of research on t'internet, however, and was disappointed to find his familial lineage nowhere near as impressive as that of Martin Amis. Being able to namedrop Sir Kingsley Amis as I am is one thing, being able to tell people he's your father is another. Iæin Shephèrd's father, from what I can gather, works for the MoD in Saudi Arabia and comes from The Gorbals. One simply cannot compare a knight of the realm to a common, garden-variety barrow boy from Glasgow's East End."

"Little is known of Iæin Shephèrd and even his publicist has not met him. "He remains an enigma to me though we are pleased with his sales in the Hangzhou region of China," purred Max Clifford. "I can tell you that he is approximately 6"3, weighs 15 stone, lists table tennis as his favoured pastime and suffers from irritable bowel syndrome. His father is from The Gorbals," added Clifford while lasciviously stroking your correspondent's thigh.

Demonstrating the remarkable "old meets new" coupling of Pappus's most popular theorem with the über-computer donated by successful technology giant Tiny, Dr. Bellow illustrated the explosive conclusions of his team of boffins. "We took two random passages from each oeuvre and performed a controlled experiment using the formula S = sd₁ = 2psX₁. I will be very surprised if anyone can tell the difference between what is accepted as a literary masterpiece and the work of the little-known author unless, of course, they've read one of them previously.

In a world exclusive, The Rockall Times has been given special permission to publish — for the first time ever — the results of the lottery-funded decade-long study. One passage from each book was subjected to Pappus's theorem. They were as follows:

"Guy had grown up in the age of mediated atrocity; like everyone else, he was exhaustively accustomed to the sad arrangements, the pathetic postures of the dead."
"Six minutes had passed since being temporarily blinded by the knuckly fists of the hangover's most feared enemy. The door to the night before now at my back, my fragility was enveloped by an icy breath in a hollow, drum-rearing dirty corridor."

"Results of the preliminary test proved inconclusive so further study was required," yawped Dr. Saul Bellow, flush with lottery cash. "Over the next three years we prepared and fine-tuned the experiment until we were happy with it and we had spunked our grant. Then we ran the following two passages through both Pappus's formula and the Tiny mega-computer simultaneously. To say we were unprepared for the reaction would be an understatement."

"The sun hooked its way through a crack in the curtains just as my ankles were stretched towards the ground."
"She had the power to receive [men's] love and send it back in opposite form, not just cancelled but murdered."

Witnesses close to the blast were unequivocal in their outrage. "There was a massive explosion and everyone in the dole queue ran for their lives, is it boyo," said scornful local Morgan "Taff" Morgan who observed the blowout. "We had to take cover to avoid all the shite that was showering down on us, is it, and I saw one old lady cut in half by a splenetic haiku. She didn't stand a chance," he reminisced.

A visibly shaken Dr. Bellow summarised: "I would like to reassure the public that we have given what remains of both London Fields and 再會 to the authorities who called on us shortly after the explosion. The ultra-computer has been secured and stabilised with duct tape and was taken away by a military forensics unit for further and thorough examination."

Reached for comment at his Uruguayan bolt-hole, Martin Amis issued the following statement: "It doesn't matter what anyone writes any more. The time for it mattering has past. The truth doesn't matter any more and is not wanted. We are thrown back into a Baudrillardian world where images no longer represent anything beyond themselves."

Literary pundits welcomed Amis's comments. Will Self, star of BBC2's Shooting Stars, leapt to the defence of his belletristic hero: "They sedated him — that much he knew. When he came to again he was in a padded cell on the psychiatric ward of a hospital. While he had no clear memory of what lay either side of this nasty null space, he grasped that he'd been in a similar one before, for it felt familiar to him." Others were equally praising of the author who won the Somerset Maugham award in 1974. "I'll be buying his books until he co-writes a West End rock opera with Ben Elton about an amputee horticulturalist who attempts to write her autobiography without using vowels," leered Darius Danesh, Pop Idol failure and ex-boyfriend of novelist Geri Halliwell.

Natasha Kaplinsky was unavailable for comment at time of going to press due to dancing commitments but her father — who is also her flatmate — reflected: "I just hope the Iranians don't get their hands on the books."

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