New OED incites Middle England

'Beaver zoo' among targetted outrages

by Dr. Howard Fruit*

The latest edition of the Oxford English Dictionary always sets teeth gnashing amongst Middle Englanders, but some of the words included this time round have set Daily Mail readers reaching for their shotguns. The paper's editor Paul Dacre asked: "What kind of sick mind uses the term 'beaver zoo' anyway?" One of his colleagues could have told him the answer: Richard Desmond, owner of the Express and other quality top shelf publications such as Suburban Minge and Desirable Blob.

Professor Ewan Macnanamous, editor in chief of the OED, justified many of the modern entries on the grounds of their everyday acceptance. "Nobody bats an eyelid now when one talks about iPods and bloggers, and by the same token words such as argybaji [a fight in an Indian restaurant] and nitherer [person whose ideas and opinions are neither one thing nor the other] will come to be accepted as part of English lexicography."

However, some words will have to wait until the next edition is published. The Rockall Times can reveal a small selection of those words and phrases which you the public have not yet accepted with open arms.

Blogtrotter — individual who loses their job because of something unflattering written about their employer.
Boiled tungue — spam email that turns out to be quite useful.
Davinadroid — member of the public prepared to debase themself in return for televisual fame and reward.
Doggied — determined to have sex in public.
Ethnic cleaning — removal of all traces of foreign influence on everyday objects and activities; first seen at the UKIP 2005 conference in which turkey was removed from buffets and salads, payment by cheque banned in favour of cash, opinion polls outlawed and resolutions prevented from being mulled over.
Eurodivision — diplomatic incident or political strain caused by song contest bloc voting.
Finlander Syndrome — the practice of giving children names with double or triple letters; eg Mikka Haakkinnen, Conddoleeezzaa Rice.
Fogeyman — ageing music industry has-been brought in to play abusive judge character.
Girl-next-door-but-one — nymphomaniac who is very, very, very ordinary looking.
Gnomosexual — single male with an obsession for collecting garden gnomes.
Himbo — very stupid man with blonde hair.
Illogitarian — vegetarian who eats fish.
Living proof — evidence used to secure the successful conviction of a suicide bomber whose device fails to go off.
Makarel — witless victim of a phishing scam (see also kipper — witless victim of identical multiple phishing scams).
Mini rounders — phenomenon in which every driver at a mini roundabout stops to give way to the car on the right, thus bringing all traffic to a halt and causing gridlock.
Necrobaggers — animal rights activists who specialise in pinching the bones of dead pensioners.
Nihalist — fan and enthusiast of Sri Lankan music (named after Radio 1 dj geezer Nihal).
Pediatric — retired paedophile (not to be confused with paediatrician — foot specialist).
Pointylism — the infantile replacement of the word pointed with pointy; eg pointy-toed boots, pointy-headed moron.
Psyclepath — person with a morbid dislike of motorised transport.
Redknapped — arrest made in foreign country for racist incident carried out in Britain.
Splastic — person crippled by credit card debt.
Suicide plumber — plumber who drowns as a result of his own negligence.
Systemed — situation in which an entire street or neighbourhood becomes populated by systems analysts.
Terrimism — fear of inevitable terrorist attack (see also Home Office guidelines...)
Vordeline case — notes and information relating to the sufferer of a Carol Vorderman fetish.

*Dr. Howard Fruit is a wholly owned subsidiary of Bob Wallet Investigative NewsCorp Gmbh.

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