Primark bins 2bn Autumn catalogues

Retail phenomenon Primark is to re-call copies of their 2005 Autumn catalogue it was revealed today.

A spokesman for Associated British Foods, the company behind the revolutionary retail chain, claimed Chinese typesetters were to blame for an issue that has become so sensitive it would have been mooted in Parliament had the government not been on holiday. The ubiquitous High Street chain has caused outrage in the Islamic community by featuring a new full-zip, fleece-lined "bomber" jacket on the cover of its latest catalogue. The firm had hoped the jacket would prove a popular seller this season.

"I find the cover as well as the content of the Primark 2005 Autumn catalogue grossly inappropriate," said Tommy Rashid Saajid, a jihadist Imam from Lebanon who has been living in Dumfries on benefits since 1934. "To take advantage of the current popularity of bombers for commercial gain is vulgar to the extreme and the Muslim Council of Great Britain and Wales, in conjunction with the Guardian, will be taking legal advice from Cherie Blair on the matter."

Primark has established itself as the leading high street retailer of high-quality, excellent value products. There were extraordinary scenes at Primark stores in Huddersfield, Tooting, Derby, Northampton, Telford and Birmingham as outraged shoppers set fire to catalogues, chanted anti-Primark songs and demanded further reductions to Primark's already greatly-reduced Cedarwood State® brand. "If the bomber jacket insult wasn't enough, their babywear section is insulting to all Muslims and just goes to show the level of ignorance and intolerance Islamic people are subjected to on a daily basis in this country," remarked eye-witness and mother of six Brittany Fish. "My youngest is a Muslim so I thought I would look at the catalogue to see what their babywear section was like because I'm also shortly expecting twins — though they'll be raised as Jehovah Witnesses like their fathers. I was shocked by what I found," said the 10-year-old.

Primark chiefs were quick to point out that the cover and content of Primark's Autumn 2005 catalogue had been chosen in late-May. "In order to have the magazine ready for our August roll-out we had to submit it to our Beijing printers months ago. We had no way of knowing the public would take such grave offence to our new range of comfortable, stylish and affordable bomber jackets which are available in a range of fashionable colours — including white," said Primark CEO Fred West. "We have launched a full inquiry into the matter and we can assure our customers that every effort will be made to redress this hugely unfortunate misunderstanding. I can confirm that page 10 of our babywear section was a simple typographic misprint that should have read 'Multi-purpose re-cyclable Muslin'."

Bosses at arch-rival Asda were rubbing their hands with glee as they watched their main competitor struggle under the media glare. "Asda is the UK's number one clothing retailer and our George® marque has proven wildly successful," trumpeted George Davis who also founded Next and is famous for having invented toast. "At the moment our new line of George® t-shirts is proving even more popular than we had expected and the 'Don't Shriek I'm a Sikh' tee is this autumn's must-have for children going back to school."

Previously

• Outrage over FCUK KING CNUT range of products
• Anti-war protest backfires on 700 naked Aussie beauties
• Washing powder giants get themselves in a lather