Brunstrom al-Mohammed issues chilling road traffic warning

Charles Clarke, Homely Secretary, has been forced to issue a speedy denial that British traffic police divisions will not be caught up in the banning of extremist groups operating in the UK. "I think the issue is quite clear. Tony Blair was aiming his ideas at fundamentalist groups such as Hizbut Tahrir, not the North Wales Constabulary," Clarke patiently explained.

However, cynical insiders inside Whitehall, have leaked documents to The Rockall Times which show growing alarm at what MI5 calls the Extremist Wing of Her Majesty's Constabulary. They cite two leading individuals as particularly dangerous: Richard el-Moussawi Brunstrom al-Mohammed, Chief Constableimam of the Rahiri North Wales Jihadi Movement, and Steve Ibrahim Zahid Green el-Baradei, Chief Constableimam of the Wahabi Nottingham Mujaheroun. "Both these men are extremely dangerous," said an anonymous source from MI5.

MI5 and Special Branch are becoming increasingly alarmed at the pressure being put on the Homely Office for a new traffic division "shoot to kill" policy. Brunstrom al-Mohammed has already stated on his website Cymru Jihadi, that the right to replace speed cameras with roadside snipers would reduce traffic accidents by 117 per cent. He cited the shooting of an unarmed Brazilian electrician in London by anti-terrorist officers, as an effective tool that could be used in the war against motorists. "Yes, he wasn't driving a motor vehicle at the time of the shooting," Brunstrom al-Mohammed says. "Yes he wasn't a terrorist, yes he didn't have a bomb, yes he looked like a foreigner, but whatever the circumstances the event sent out a clear unambiguous signal. If you're a criminal you will be dealt with."

Green el-Baradei, whose Nottingham Mujaheroun has watched crime levels rise by 28,000 per cent whilst traffic offences have plummeted by 900,000 per cent, weighed into the debate thus: "The moratorium on the placing of new speed cameras will lead to anarchy. The situation can only be relieved by the Homely Office giving us the right to shoot motorists. We will have to consider other ways of replacing the lost revenue from speeding fines. Perhaps by enforcing a surcharge on the relatives of the dead motorists."

The proposals were given a cautious welcome by Transport 2000, Save the Earth and Nice People Who Use Buses and Trains. Sebastian Knott, Campaign Spokesperson for NPWUBT urged motorists to respect speed limits, but not to be surprised if they were shot. "The police have to practice, and case law has now set a legal precedent for traffic police to break the law if they can prove they were just practicing. We welcome the proposals cautiously, but as always the devil will be in the detail."

The Devil was unavailable for comment when The Rockall Times contacted his office in Leicester.

Previously

• Grinning Hazel Blears hails traffic police triumph
• Revealed: The speed-crazed madness of UK road racing ring
• Cops caught on video actually doing job