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  Monday 15th August 2005  Science   Powered by Yeast Logic
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NASA's seven-shuttle shuffle wows world's press

Audacious expansion of US space program(me)
by Regina Marracco

NASA Public Relations Office, Lucky 7's Casino, Reno, Nevada — Americans were shocked today by a joint announcement from NASA and the Office of the President of the United States that the Space Shuttle Program will not be grounded, and in fact, seven additional shuttles are being rushed into production by Mattel Corporation, the low bidder.

Reporters were not permitted to ask potentially embarrassing questions, but while sitting at an adjacent quarter slot machine from Ben and Jerry, Senior Tile Engineers, this reporter ascertained that falling tiles has become a non-issue. Ben, or maybe it was Jerry, chortled maniacally as he stuffed in 25-cent tokens: "Whoever thought up this plan is a fuc*king genius!"

After sixteen Slippery Nipples with the engineers in their suite, (the Mike Tyson) I had the full story on the dastardly plot. (Note to Accounting Department wankers: I only chugged two of the Slippy Nippies.)

According to Jerry, or maybe it was Ben, NASA plans to train an entirely new crew of astronauts for each shuttle, culled from the detainees at Guantanamo Bay, and taught only how to take off and fly straight up, following strict Muslim doctrine. If, for some reason, a shuttle survives falling tiles and other mechanical misfortunes, not to mention the crew being called to prayers at inconvenient times, the Islamic astronauts will be off-loaded onto the International Space Station, and the shuttle returned to the US by remote control, rather like a model airplane. Mathematicians at NASA have crunched the numbers and anticipate that at least 200 detainees can be dispatched via shuttle to the ISS, allowing for the occasional shuttle blowing up on take-off.

Ben, or maybe it was Jerry, who was looking less nerdy and sort of cute by then, confided: "This opens up a vast opportunity for the space program. The Public Relations department can also sell tickets on the shuttle flights for millions of dollars to bored, rich celebrities like Paris Hilton or Donald Trump. With the profits on the tickets, we can build more shuttles and deep-six more as*sholes, like Osama, if we ever find him."

Previously

 Go on then, hard man