Titmuss sweeps the boards at celeb-packed awards

Highly-talented A-list celebrity tit scaffold Abi Titmuss was last night said to be cock-a-hoop after sweeping the boards at Saturday's glittering International Paparazzi Awards, held in Manchester's glamorous Moss Side housing estate.

The awards celebrate an outstanding contribution to filling column inches in news-starved tabloids which would otherwise have to dedicate valuable newsprint to starvation in Niger and Gaza strip Jews-on-Jew eviction action.

Miss Titmuss was nominated in five categories — Celebrity Least Deserving of Celebrity Status; Celebrity With Another Celebrity's Penis In Her Mouth; Celebrity With Most Glaringly-Obvious Tit Job; Most Pointless Celebrity; and the Roger Moore Special Award for Lifetime Achievement in Nothing At All — and won in all but one. She narrowly missed out on "Most Pointless Celebrity" which was awarded to third-time recipient Debbie "The Lovely Debbie" Macgee.

Accepting her awards from host Sid Little, Miss Titmuss, who wore clothes in the absence of a suitably high offer of cash to flash her tits and beef curtains to the baying mob of snappers and enthralled Z-list celebs high on chicken-in-a-basket and sparkling wine, spoke of her delight at the honour.

"Today is a great day for minor celebrities," she sobbed. "These awards give hope to a generation of almost attractive blondes that there is an alternative to nursing and that — if you're prepared to suck the right cock and flash just the right amount of bush — you too can receive the recognition you so richly do not deserve."

Also rewarded was hilarious comedian and chat-show hostess Graham Norton, who received "The Frank Spencer Impersonator's Guild Special Award for Relentless Double Entendre". The diminutive Irishman then entertained the audience by graphically describing an anal sex act between two men before his mirth-provoking monologue was sadly cut short by a drunken Russ Abbot, disguised as Jarvis Cocker, who stormed the stage and punched two delightful children who had been assisting Norton.

The full list of awards is:

• Hanging On To Fame By Their Fingernails — Jeremy from Airport
• Most Pointless Celebrity — Debbie "The Lovely Debbie" Macgee.
• Still Don't Know Who They Are Even Though They're On Telly A Lot — That fat ugly railway bloke in Born and Bred.
• Bernard Manning Special Award for Race Relations — Jim Davidson.
• Celebrity Least Deserving of Celebrity Status — Abi Timuss.
• Celebrity Most Likely to Dance the Tyburn Jig — Jonathan King.
• Celebrity With Most Glaringly-Obvious Tit Job — Abi Titmuss.
• Celebrity With Another Celebrity's Penis In Her Mouth — Abi Titmuss.
• Worst Man — Max Clifford.
• Worst Woman — Maxine Clifford.
• Most Banal Reality Television Programme — Abi's Celebrity Tit Island Circle Wank.
• Outstanding Contribution to Tabloid Column Inches — That girl in Big Brother with the big tits, whatever her name is.
• Best Tabloid Tit-Flash 2005 — That blonde bint from Big Brother with the terrific tits.
• Most Newsworthy Cum Shot — That other girl in Big Brother while shagging an inflatable plastic animal.
• Abu Titmuss Labial Flash Trophy — That bird from Big Brother who accidentally exposed her reproductive parts while juggling an inflatable plastic animal between her enormous dugs.
• Celebrity Most Likely To Be Forgotten By Friday — That girl in Big Brother who kept getting her tits out and shagging inflatable plastic animals.
• The Frank Spencer Impersonator's Guild Special Award for Relentless Double Entendre — Graham Norton.
• Roger Moore Special Award for Lifetime Achievement in Nothing At All — Abi Titmuss.
• Fellowship For Lifetime Service to Mediocrity — Gloria Hunniford.

Previously

• You too could have sex with Abi Titmuss
• Titmuss to withdraw arthouse video masterwork
• Ask Abi: Our Rockall guest columnist