BT combats callcentre menace

BT today unveiled a new method of intercepting and blocking cold-calls and annoying sales pitching telephonic tripe. In an effort to combat the increasing number of unwanted calls from Indian-accented salesmen, a revolutionary device is being attached to all BT residential landlines with immediate effect.

Our Business Development correspondent Jocelyn Thrutch was at the launch ceremony where he was given a display of the new system in operation. From what we can gather from the now profoundly deaf Jocelyn, a receptor in the earpiece detects accents originating in Calcutta, Mumbai, New Delhi and Bangalore as well as scanning for key phrases such as Good morning, yes, my name is Gavin and I would be requesting your attention to our special offer today, thank you please.

Upon a match of the criteria, an electronic spike is sent back down the line which produces an MP3 blast of Ted Nugent power chord at around five hundred decibels, thus kocking Gavin right into the next callcentre booth and preventing him from continuing his sales pitch.

BT spokesman David Davies-Davies, who is in charge of wooing customers back to Britain's, of not the world's favourite telco, said: We believe this simple and yet very welcome new innovation will bring shift workers flocking back to us. Imagine the relief they will feel knowing they can go to bed from a night shift and not have to be woken up 45 minutes later, trying to shake off a salesman they can barely understand who wont take no, I am not interested, or fuc*k off for an answer.

David Davies-Davies was keen to stress, though, that the device would not attempt to disable BT's own subcontinental operatives who will continue to delight customers with their cheerful advice that "it appears you have a bill which is three minutes overdue you can pay right now by credit card if you wish... Hello?"

Previously

• Telcos limber up for emergency number free-for-all
• 192: A nation mourns
• Youth steals phone