England revelations rock the Beautiful Game™

FA probe follows Danish fiasco

by Ian Ascough and Juan Sebastian Gaucho

Amazing details were released today of life inside Sven Goran Ericksson's England camp in the wake of England's pathetic capitulation to a Danish side which, for the first time in modern history contained no members of the Laudrup family. While the FA probes exactly what turned the nation's leading shot-stopper — the admired and handsome David James — from a useless, butter-fingered incompetent into a hapless, greasy-handed nincompoop, the inside revelations about life within the close-knit Three Lions community will rock football to the very foundations of the change-the-strip-three-times-a-season replica kit market on which it rests.

The facts are these: Tactically inept Ericksson, who specialises in managing sides that are knocked out in competition quarter-finals, is alleged to have had a bespoke, state-of-the-art S&M dungeon built at his Chelsea Harbour bolt-hole. Leaked photographs of the England Manager indulging in depraved sado-masochistic acts with Real Madrid's mascot little Michael Owen are currently being circulated on the internet after David James dropped his mobile picture phone in a crowded Heaven nightclub over the weekend after being jostled lightly while queuing up at the bar. For legal and moralistic reasons, The Rockall Times refuses to publish the images.

The graphic and disgusting photographs show Ericksson and little Owen — who are rumoured to have been dating for the past six months — engaging in depraved sexual activities with other members of the England side forced to watch. One of the images shows the England manager cuddling little Michael Owen while tonguing his ear and fondling the washed-up and useless England striker's private bits. Tiny Owen, dressed in stockings and a crotchless Willy Wonka costume — reportedly a gift from the England manager before a romantic dinner at The Ivy in June — appears to be aroused and is pictured playing to the camera while cupping the footballs of a bemused looking Frank Lampard and a clearly frightened Steven Gerrard.

Other pictures include England captain David Beckham clinched in a passionate love-making session with himself. Gary Neville appears to be practicing his heading with a prone Ashley Cole on a bed next to Chelsea's Joe Cole and whippet-like centre forward Jermaine Defoe. The Spurs and Chelsea men appear to be experimenting with a formation unfamiliar to the majority of The Rockall Times' sportsdesk.

Canadian Owen Hargreaves, who is also English, Welsh and German, is rumoured to have been the ringleader in a partner-swapping orgy that lasted long into the night. Experts claim mulletted donkey Hargreaves — who makes David Batty look like Ronaldinho — has introduced a number of saucy ideas to the England set-up from his base in Munich and continues to be one of Ericksson's most admired players. Shocked cleaning ladies reported finding torn lederhosen, 17" sex-aids, poppers and mesh half-shirts in the England midfielder's hair when they entered Sven Goran Ericksson's flat the morning following the England training session.

Professional pundit and part-time supermodel Mark Lawrenson spoke to reporters outside a wine bar in SoHo's Wardour Street. "This brings a whole new angle to the expression 'in his locker'," sneered Lawrenson who seems contractually obligated by the BBC to mention footballer's lockers as many times as possible in the 2005-2006 season. "Ray Stubbs and I were saying just the other day that Joe Cole was playing like a twat and based on video footage I've seen of him and big John Terry I can confirm it's the closest either of them will get to a ladies' naughty bits," laughed Lawrenson of the two Londoners.

Reaction from England supporters was mixed. "At least Wayne Rooney wasn't caught up in any of the man-on-man stuff," said England fan Jimmy Somerville reacting to word "Roonaldo" was indulging his love of rough-as-old-boots older women at the time of the allegations. "I disagree completely," disagreed fan Will Young, "Those who sit in my section," said Young euphemistically, "have long suspected Nancy Dell'Olio of being a drag queen."

After an exhaustive investigation, The Rockall Times can confirm that Sven Goran Ericksson's "girlfriend" Nancy Dell'Olio is actually 68-year-old builder Fred West from Bexleyheath. Fans of the England manager can see Dell'Olio's cabaret act every Thursday evening at the Two Brewers in Clapham High Street. Mention The Rockall Times for multiple entry.

At FA headquarters, meanwhile, the David James investigation continues apace, writes Juan Sebastian Gaucho.

Still smarting from the vicious accusation that an international goalkeeper should be responsible for stopping the ball going into the net after James failed so dismally in this respect against the Danes that even Ericsson was moved to describe the result as "disappointing", Lancaster Gate has managed to identify a few contributing factors.

James himself has since admitted that he failed to undertake his normally rigorous training routine before the game. This routine was what turned him into one of the top keepers at Manchester City and made him the envy of rivals for the England spot at other leading clubs such as Wigan and Sunderland. "Normally before a game I prepare carefully," James told a group of stunned sports correspondents, "but this time I didn't bother. The end result was the same, so don't expect an apology any time soon. Or ever."

FA investigators are understood to be preparing a 600-page report into the matter with input from the Beautiful Game's leading brains. The exhaustive account will cover every aspect of the goalkeeping craft, including a chapter on the evolution of the shouting German goalie, but most significant will be the final summing up in which the words "James", "teapot" and "chocolate" will be assembled into a single, well-known phrase.

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England revelations rock the Beautiful Game™

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