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  Monday 22nd August 2005  Politics   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Met chief pledges full 'Speedy Menezes' probe

'No stone left unturned' declares Blair
by Mark Robert

One of Britain's leading intellectuals has spoken out about his fears that the truth behind the shooting of Brazilian electrician Jean Charles de Menezes may never be known following leaking of parts of the investigation to the gutter press.

Sir Ian Blair, who also sometimes works part-time as the boss of the Metropolitan Police, has expressed very publicly his worries that these leaked details may — very sadly — prevent anyone ever being prosecuted for what has been described as "shit happening".

Sir Ian pointed out that the following facts have already been clearly established:

  • The suspect ran towards Stockwell station shouting: "I've got a bomb and am going to kill everyone one". (Source: Unidentified Scotland Yard report.)
  • The suspect was repeatedly asked in his native Greek to put down the gun he wasn't holding or risk death. (Source: Anonymous man in street wearing sunglasses.)
  • The suspect told police officers that he wanted to blow everyone up unless one of them was brave enough to shoot him dead on the spot. (Source: Police officer holding smoking gun — name not revealed.)

What is not widely known, however, is that security experts now believe de Menezes may have been wearing a "Bogota Bomber Jacket" — a thin sheet of Semtex fashioned into a t-shirt and jeans which is traditionally detonated by sitting down quite still and looking forward. One anonymous member of Colombia's FARC guerrillas told The Rockall Times: "These things are very sophisticated, so I'm not at all surprised that the Boys in Blue pumped this chap full of lead. Those al-Qaeda boys with their rucksacks are just amateur hour, what with their nervous fiddling with detonators on buses and stuff."

Indeed, the Metropolitan Police are expected to reveal in the next few days that "Speedy Menezes" once saw Colombia on a map, knew the exact location of Iran and had regularly attended a gym where he "worked on his stamina so much the better to jump the Stockwell Tube ticket barrier", as one endurance expert put. "Sadly, though," he added, "it seems like he walked slowly all the way to the train, which is a complete waste of a 300-quid gym membership if you ask me."

Brazilian sources, meanwhile, confirm that Blair — despite concluding a harrowing 30-second grilling from journalists over the Stockwell fiasco with a quick "ah well, never mind, time to move on, eh?" — is not yet off the hook. De Menezes' family has appointed a suitably outraged firm of British white middle-class lawyers to demand a full explanation as to how officers managed to "mislay" all of the CCTV footage of their heroic battle against terrorism, and whether they can get a refund on the remaining six months of his gym membership.

For his part, Blair expressed his "profound sadness" over the CCTV material, admitting: "This is something quite incredible that I guess will never be explained, eh? It's the way it goes I guess." As regards the gym membership, Blair insisted: "I will not rest until we have conducted a full public enquiry into the matter. No stone will be left unturned."

Previously

 Go on then, hard man