Nuns rage against Tom Hanks

Roman Catholic nuns continued to hold a vigil of protest outside Lincoln Cathedral last night. The protestants, now entering their sixth day on the steps of the holy shrine have said they will not move until Tom Hanks has left Lincolnshire. "We're going nowhere until that talentless sycophantic, laudatory, panegyrical, loathsome cun*t leaves this county and shoves off back to Philadelphia," said Sister Mary Mary McCormack-Riley.

Fresh from falling off a horse, material girl Madonna was quick to scotch rumours circulating in the music world. "Team Madonna would like to categorically deny that the horse she fell from is last week is set to release an album. There is no foundation to the gossip and Blossom is not currently locked in negotiations with pantomime villain Simon Cowell's BMG Records for a six-album, £1m deal."

Michael Howard came under fresh criticism today when pressed to expand on his recent "British Dream" comments. The Conservative leader hit the headlines last week when he suggested Great Britain take a more American approach to its immigration policies. Howard suggested new Britons be indoctrinated into the culture by forcing an implausible and unobtainable ideal down their necks. This would involve singing "God Save the Queen" while weeping and clutching their hands over their heart and see schoolchildren pledging allegiance to the Union Jack every morning before classes begin. The much-maligned Conservative crackpot refuted the suggestion that in reality the British Dream was more likely "a three-bed council semi in Scunthorpe with a view of the chip shop, close enough to walk to the Spar and with enough readies to afford four pints of snakebite and 60 Regals every Friday night for 40 years".

Cheating dago football midget Maradona finally completed the first episode of his new chatshow La Noche Del 10 today, five days after beginning filming. As audience members collapsed and were carried out by overworked paramedics, the fallen football idol continued his monologue for 93 uninterrupted hours. Guests on the programme included Gabrielas Sabatini and Batistuta — who is a bloke — and impotent Brazilian Pele. All three were rushed to hospital suffering from severe exhaustion once Maradona had finally stopped raving about religion, philosophy, politics, aliens and being chased by trees. The programme, which has a weekly budget of £15,000 for Colombian marching powder alone, is set to start filming next week's instalment as soon as its host's jaw has stopped aching.

North London super club Tottenham Hotspur have reacted furiously to a startling story that could be a promising young English-born for sale midfielder about which they have not expressed an interest in buying. Although the reports were unclear as to the name of the player, which club he is currently with, what talent he has, and even if he possesses two legs and a head, White Hart Lane sources were quick to react. "The story is patent nonsense," spluttered Spurs chairman Daniel Levy, "and the very idea that there might be such a player in whom we wouldn't be interested in is preposterous. Just as soon as we find out who he is we'll decide exactly how much to overbid to get him here and into our third team straightaway."