Packaging trauma ends in bloody tragedy

Sixteen dead in Bristol massacre

by BP Perry

Heartbroken relatives and friends were today counting the tragic human cost of the DVD industry's policy of wrapping its products in un-openable plastic packaging after sixteen people were shot dead in a Bristol HMV.

In a scene reminiscent of a moderately violent American action movie, furious unemployed maggot sorter Barry Cortina yesterday went on a blood-spattered killing spree after spending an estimated fifteen hours trying to release a copy of Blazing Saddles from its shrink-wrapped prison. Mr Cortina, who was sacked from his revolting job after being found in a "compromising position" with a co-worker in the "Bluebottle Room", had bought the DVD with the last of his dole money in an attempt to cheer himself up.

"He always loved Mel Brooks films," said Cortina's estranged wife Meg, who is today being kept in a secret location in the small town of Ilkley, West Yorkshire for fear of reprisals from industry enforcers anxious to protect the DVD's image as "good, wholesome, family entertainment". "I remember that they were the only thing that could distract him away from beating me and fiddling with the kids. The trick was to put them on the telly as quick as you could ... once they were on, it was like a moth to a flame."

Police now believe that it was the anticipation of seeing the film, mixed with the escalating frustration of being unable to get at it, that ultimately tipped Cortina over the edge.

"This is not the first time DVD packaging has led to murder and it won't be the last," muttered Avon Chief Constable Marlowe Hanrattertatte. "Until the DVD industry wakes up to the fact that angry, bitter, inadequate men tend to buy these things and when they can't open them, reach for the semi-automatic rifle, our record shops will be no-go areas chock-full of psychopathic killers."

A spokesman for DMA, the DVD Manufacturer's Alliance was unrepentant, declaring: "When DVDs were invented, the DMA calculated that there would be a handful of unfortunate killing sprees caused by vacuum packaging. However, the numbers of casualties fall way below our maximum parameters and because of this, the DMA will not be changing its current packaging policy. Now get out of my office before I call the police."

In related news, Hollywood director and highly-talented actor Quentin Tarantino is said to be working on a screenplay of the Bristol massacre in which Michael Madson will play Cortina and Uma Thurman his wife. Provisionally entitled "Kill Baz" it's a light-hearted romp in which a revenge-driven and deliciously-tracksuited Thurman hacks her way through the entire DVD industry, eventually decapitating the man responsible for Shrek II after killing the entire publicity department which audaciously described Antonio Banderas's interpretation of Puss in Boots as "hilarious".

Previously

Email an enemy

Pub-friendly printable version

‘Yeast Logic’ index page

Trawl Rockall for:

Packaging trauma ends in bloody tragedy

Previously