UK biz losing £964,634,368,136,497.23 per annum in lost worker productivity (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

A new report has suggested that UK businesses are losing £964,634,368,136,497.23 each year in lost employee productivity. The findings of the report shed light on a disturbing trend for British business chiefs. A mouthpiece for the Institute of Public Policy Research's Taskforce® on loafing and swinging the lead pronounced: "The findings of this report shed light on a disturbing trend for British business chiefs."

Having analysed 14,000 workplaces over a two-hundred year span, the survey is the most comprehensive study ever completed in British history. According to the report — set to send shockwaves through The City — the vast majority of office workers spend Monday chatting about the weekend, discussing in grotesque detail the previous Friday night's departmental do down the Dog and Walrus and dreading the week ahead to such degree that a mere .01 per cent of the UK workplaces that took part in the comprehensive investigation actually managed to do any work whatsoever.

Tuesdays don't fare much better, claims the report which was sanctioned by The Royal Bank of Scotland fresh from having declared record profits of £94 trillion a second. At a press conference from their Mumbai headquarters, Deputy Chairman of the Royal Bank of Scotland Sir Tom "Thomas" McKillop said: "Statistics show that Tuesdays are spent shuffling papers around on desks, searching the internet for last-minute holidays, gossiping about colleagues, building rubber-band balls and hanging on to the last tendrils of the weekend. This doesn't seem to have been in any way affected or altered over the decades though the internet has obviously replaced the back pages of The Daily Star in latter years as organ of choice for work-shy employees."

John Thomas Kuntz, a new New Labour spokesfabulist from the Ministry of Gyration insisted: "It is an interesting report on a number of levels though it should be noted that traditionally speaking the output of workers on a Tuesday — not including Tuesdays after a Bank Holiday Monday, of course — more than doubles that of Monday. We should be greatly encouraged by that and this is not all doom and gloom after all," he said of the fact that 1.4 per cent of British workers actually do something work-related on a Tuesday. Conservative chief Michael Howard refuted the new New Labour statement by noting: "The 1.4 per cent productivity comes as a direct result of Blairites who threw cynical sickies on Monday sheepishly crawling into work while coughing and scratching unconvincingly in front of the boss or anyone from HR. They then feel obliged to fire off a couple emails or faxes in an effort to mollify the guilt they must feel at having lumbered good, decent, Anglo-Saxon working folk with a Labour government for another term."

Surprisingly, Wednesdays have been shown to be the British worker's preferred day of industry. The study reasons that on Wednesdays "almost a quarter" of all British employees shift from doing sod-all to filing, typing, having meetings, speaking to human resources types and displaying levels of industry that "put the 'Great' in Great Britain". This staggering 14 per cent of workers being productive and wholesale increase in professional endeavour has the effect of crippling most company's internal systems so at least five per cent of Wednesday's production stems from IT professionals desperately attempting to keep systems running under the kind of network strain not experienced since the previous Wednesday.

Sadly however, statistics show a sharp decline in office productivity come Thursday — traditionally a popular day for employees to go out after work and enjoy drinking record-levels of binge — and by Friday many workplaces reported a negative amount of work taking place as hungover employees raided stationery cupboards for birthday gifts for ageing relatives and people they don't particularly like in time for the weekend — while complaining that they're overworked in comparison with their swarthy Continental colleagues.

The Rockall Times' essential cut-out-and-keep guide to appearing more productive at work:

Arrange a minimum of four meetings per week. Statistics show that important and well-paid people attend an almost infinite number of meetings each week. Top floor meeting rooms are rammed with high-flyers all over the UK syncing laptops, taking advantage of Wi-Fi technology, comparing Blackberrys, calling overseas offices despite time-differences, eating biscuits, dictating orders to subordinates in a patronising tone and taking advantage of overpriced and basically inedible sarnies full of cress and parsley supplied by Pret a Manger.
Instead of simply going outside for a fag, ensure you have a small pile of documents when you leave the department to go for your coffin nail. Get up from your desk with a fixed look of determination and consider muttering quietly to yourself the words "pragmatic solution", "flowchart", "damage limitation" and "crisis". Tests have shown that 87.34 per cent of the time workers adhering to this simple methodology are perceived to be deep in thought and full of professional endeavour and ambition. Bosses see the concentrated muttering, the pile of documents, the confident and brisk walk out of the department and heap praise on themselves for having hired so diligent and ambitious an employee.
Talk unnecessarily loudly on the telephone. Amplification has been proven to have a direct link to both remuneration and professional success. Invest in a top-of-the-line mobile phone, preferably a model available exclusively to the Asian market. This will make you the envy of the upper echelons of the office and set down your marker as one to watch. When your mobile rings ensure your ringtone is set to "ear-bleeding" amplification. Once the mobile has rung three times — enough to have started annoying departmental colleagues to hyper-ventilating distraction — you should sigh frustratedly while flapping about in a hugely annoying way due to the resentment of being interrupted from your important work. Answer the call by bellowing your name and title so people in neighbouring buildings and low-flying aircraft can hear you. Stride purposefully away from your now angry yet naturally envious colleagues and seek refuge in an empty meeting room. This will give you enough time to stop pretending you're actually speaking to a client - or anyone at all for that matter - and play a few rounds of Crazy Golf on your mobile before going back to your desk shaking your head at the fact yet more work has just been dropped in your lap. NB. Paramount to the success of this operation is to have hung up your landline before striding away from your desk. There is no scientifically-proven link to success for those employees who are found out ringing themselves to appear more industrious and a beeping landline is a smoking gun for those already trying to find the energy to plot your downfall.
Subtly encourage colleagues to whinge to Human Resources about matters of a trivial nature. The heat of the water from the tea machine and the fact the office chairs are not ergometrically correct in accordance with the latest Health and Safety® regulations are two proven ways to ensure HR types are occupied with trivial nonsense for hours on end. Orchestrate an office uprising by quietly suggesting to those with no professional qualifications — the birds in the accounts department, for instance — that those in managerial positions don't do anything to justify their grossly disproportionate salaries. This will ensure enough civil uprising to make HR take note and spend six months attempting to redress any perceived imbalance by launching a torrent of flowery language, unfounded promises and unsubstantiated cobblers at the source of the problem. You will benefit directly from this colossal waste of resources by gaining a reputation for being the selfless employee who doesn't complain despite your huge workload.
Arrive at the office five minutes before anyone else. Having arrived, spread papers over your desk in a haphazard fashion, undo your tie to give the impression that you've been working to deadline and are barely keeping it together such is your feeling of being under the cosh and run a hand through your hair to effect the look of someone who is coping bravely with the strain of keeping the wheels of industry greased and operating smoothly without any help or support from anyone else. Pour cold water in your tea so that whoever arrives first will note your half-finished and cold tea when they offer to get you a drink. At the end of the day, always ensure you leave five minutes after everyone else. Take a meandering and ever-changing route to the station/bus stop/car park/home so as not to bump into any colleagues loitering around the neighbourhood after work who might consider your waiting five minutes a sinister and callous ploy to appear harder working and better than them.
Read all Microsoft Outlook emails in a preview window and delete them once read. This is a powerful statement as a "not read" message will be sent to whoever sent you the email. When the sender of the email receives a "not read" receipt it serves as confirmation that you are a very important person with no time to waste on their petty and inconsequential issues. Statistics show that those who receive more than 47 "not read" receipts from the same email recipient will eventually find someone else to bother with their mundane and insignificant attempts at placing a burden on your time.
When requiring a sickie for personal reasons like being in possession of a gruesome hangover, needing a day off to hoover the lounge or if you just need some "me time" spent masturbating in front of the computer in the comfort of your bedroom, it is important to follow The Rockall Times' guide to ringing in "sick". Thursday is a good sick day. For starters, The Institute of Public Policy Research's study shows that no one does nor expects any work to be done on a Friday. In order to be able to completely enjoy your free day you must start to lay the foundations of your illness early in the working week. On Monday, having arrived at your desk five minutes before any of your colleagues, wipe your brow with cold water to effect the look of someone suffering from fever. This will also enable you to play the martyr's card by announcing that despite it all you managed to make it in as you didn't want to let anyone down.

Having followed these simple and easy-to-follow instructions, you will be amazed by the number of people whose lives are so insignificant and whose nosiness knows no limits who come and ask how you are feeling. On Tuesday rub polish under your eyes to effect the look of someone who has very clearly not had any rest. Continue Monday's theme of mopping your brow with cold water. Do not iron your shirt and wear odd-coloured socks. You will find that your colleagues become increasingly sympathetic the more the water-to-brow-polish-under-eyes ratio is increased. Boffins at Rockall Polytechnic have concluded that this method has a 94.31678 per cent rate of success and if your boss doesn't insist you go home and put your feet up for a few days by lunchtime on the Wednesday you have a certified, grade "A", cut-and-dried grievance to file with Human Resources.

UK biz losing £964,634,368,136,497.23 per annum in lost worker productivity

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