Brad McChad III suspect gives forth

The man arrested for the murder of American tourist R. Brad McChad III today broke his silence for the first time since his arrest and subsequent release. After an aggressive week-long campaign by the Sun to free the man, Andrew "Freddie" Warne gave Sir Trevor MacDonald OBE, MBE, PhD his side of the story we can exclusively reveal having watched it on ITV1 last night after Coronation Street.

"I tried to calm the bloke by explaining the intricacies of cricket as well as the friendly rivalry enjoyed by England and their Australian opponents," said Englishman Warne. "The American chap continuously drew tiresome parallels with baseball and was utterly incapable of understanding the game made famous by Dr. WG Grace and his comedy beard," he recounted to Sir Trevor. "Another punter waded in and helpfully suggested that baseball wasn't even a sport and was instead a pastime played by fat, steroid-fancying yank wankers dressed in pyjamas and it was then that all hell broke loose and the American died in the resulting melee of people queuing up to kick seven shades out of him."

R. Brad McChad III, who had celebrated his 32nd birthday at TGIFridays in Covent Garden last Sunday evening, had stopped in The Market Trader pub in Aldgate on his way back from a "scary" Jack the Ripper tour around London's East End. "We only like stopped for a quick soda on our way back to our hotel near Lychester Square," bellowed fellow septic tank Tiffany-Susie Klitt who weighs 47 stone. "The place was like real busy and no waitress never came to our table so Brad got like sick of waiting and went to the bar to like complain real loud and teach them that in the USA service is real good," said Klitt at her daily press conference before reminding the world's media to "have a nice day". "While R. Brad was like talking at the tavern manager, these ten guys came up and like told R. Brad to shut up and 'piss off' because they were like watching cricketing on the TV — and like omiGod we didn't like understand that because we had both like just taken a rest break in the rest rooms at McDonald's," she screamed hysterically, her accent like a siren.

Eye-witness Adriano Bond told Breaking Sky Headline News: "The pub was rammed as all England needed do was bowl out geriatric Glenn McGrath and sneering twat-faced tosser Brett Lee for a famous win to go one-up in the series. Next thing we know this yank came up to the bar and started shouting the odds at the bar staff about poor service, bad teeth and how he found sitcoms like Will and Grace, Friends and Roseanne funny. The bloke next to me asked him politely to be quiet but the bloody yank wasn't having it. He started off on one about how cricket was just a crap version of baseball and that he didn't understand how 'us limeys' could enjoy watching something that took five days to play. Then he started telling anyone who would listen that if it weren't for the Americans waiting until 1946 to join the war and the heroics of people like Tom Hanks and Matt Damon we'd all be speaking German — as you can imagine this narked a number of people," whispered Bond displaying a faultless understanding of English understatement.

It has been an amazing week for Freddie Warne despite his disappointment at England's draw against the Aussies. "To have been arrested for murder based only on the fact an American woman thought the killer looked a bit like High Grant was difficult to swallow — I look more like Richard E. Grant," offered Warne speaking of his resemblance to the Zimbabwean actor from cult film Withnail and I. "I couldn't believe the number of cheering people with banners outside Paddington Green Station when I was released and being interviewed by Davinia Macall was a real thrill," said Warne whose rise to stardom has taken industry insiders by surprise. "It's taken me by surprise," said Max Clifford who attended Warne's release party with two Thai schoolboy friends. "It's becoming increasingly more difficult to gauge the public's moral barometer. Look at that Brazilian chap. That went on and on and on with people calling for their pound of flesh and public inquiries and some even calling for the resignation of Sir Ian Bell as well as the Queen and Sir Cliff Richard. A couple weeks later a lard-arsed American gets it and the man arrested becomes a national treasure overnight."

As well as Tonight With Sir Trevor MacDonald OBE, MBE, PhD, experts claim Andrew "Freddie" Warne can expect to appear on Richard and Judy, Wife Swap, MTV Cribs, Top of the Pops (now on Sunday night), Come Dancing with Natasha Kaplinsky and the Ministry of Mayhem. His earnings are thought to have already eclipsed those of lottery-lout Mickey Carroll.

Rumours that David Graveney has called on Andrew "Freddie" Warne to replace the hopeless Steve Harmison in the fourth test at Trent Bridge could not be confirmed at time of going to press.

Previously

• HEADLINE
• HEADLINE
• HEADLINE