Benny 16 reshuffles Vatican

Breaking news from Rome today has worried some world leaders and clergy as His Holiness Benny 16 reveals new plans for his tenure as Christ's secular representative.

In a meeting with top Cardinals and Vatican officials, the Pope laid down his mandate, which, on face value seems at odds with the wishes of the late Pope John Paul II. Although the much-revered Johnny P in the main stuck to centuries-old doctrine, he was seen to have a modernist, up-to-date approach to wielding supreme executive power over the worlds billion-odd Catholics.

A recent conclave of Cardinals and Vatican supremos was called by Benny to thrash out the new measures which include:

• Expanding the Vatican City area by approximately 200,000 square kilometres or roughly the size of Poland.
• Overhauling the traditional Swiss Guard uniform, which has remained virtually the same for centuries. In its place guards will now wear a natty black number, topped off with a peaked cap set at a jaunty angle.
• Masses, blessings and the forgiveness of sins will only be made available to "true believers" prepared to gather at torchlit parades at which Benny 16 will delight the crowds with nine-hour monologues.
• Christian denominations outside the Catholic faith will be given the option of coming voluntarily back under the wing of the true church before suffering "divine annexation".

Furthermore, travel throughout the new enlarged Vatican City State will be strictly monitored to prevent any threat from non-Catholic insurgents seeking to de-stabilise the new order. Checkpoints and roving patrols of a new special Swiss Guard unit will be employed to enforce these regulations, usually uniformed but sometimes travelling incognito in plain clothes. They will monitor the movements of visitors to the Holy See and initial indications are they will be dubbed the Greater Ecumenical State Tourist Area Police Officers.

Benny 16 enthused: "I hope then this new and glorious gathering of like-minded worshippers will remain a cohesive force for at least a thousand years."

In related news, former Hitler Youth member Pope "Don't Mention the War" Benedict has raised the dead former Tory MP and renowned race pundit Enoch Powell to the status of Saint, writes BP Perry.

"Saint Enoch of the Withered Eye", as he will be known in future, will become the patron saint of "racists, bigots, and xenophobes", a senior Catholic source revealed yesterday. Accordingly, a statue of the celebrated orator to be inscribed with the words "This country will drown in a river of blood, you mark my words" is to be erected in Oldham town centre in the saint's honour.

Race relations groups have been quick to condemn the Pope's decision, however. Trevor Boteen, spokesman for HowDareYou.co.uk was highly vocal in his reaction to the announcement. "Who the hell are they going to make a saint next? Arthur Scargill, Albert Speer, Mother Teresa of Calcutta? Perhaps the Catholic Church had better take a long hard look at who they elect to the top job if this is how he' going to behave," he thundered before kicking a passing dog which bore passing resemblence to Mark Thatcher.

Previously

• Europeans hail Benny 16 — first European Pope...
• Sobbing Ian Paisley pays tribute to JP2
• The Pope is dead — long live the Pope