Reluctant war vet sues dead parents

Sexual intercourse led to conception

by BP Perry

An irate Lancashire pensioner last night launched an unprecedented legal action against his deceased parents. Alf Ruttenden, 84, of Bolton, Lancs, is seeking £400,000 in damages from Ronald and Elsie Ruttenden for the stress he says they caused him by having sexual intercourse which lead to his 1921 conception.

Mr. Ruttendens solicitor, Agamemnon D'Scum, of Bolton law firm D'Scum, D'Bastard, Chaser & D'Grub, was quick to defend his clients actions: "If Ron and Elsie had had a little more foresight they might have thought twice before giving in to their carnal desires. By selfishly welcoming in the New Year with a quick knee-trembler in a music-hall toilet, they forced their son, through no fault of his own, to actively participate in World War II. It is nothing short of gross negligence."

Alf, who spent most of his working life sifting rogue floating turds from a sewage-treatment tank close to his home until his retirement in 1986, joined the army by mistake in September 1939 and spent the next five-and-a-half years dodging bullets in various European theatres of war.

"Well, it was a nightmare," muttered Alf, still clearly shaken by his ordeal. "If you werent being shot at by Krauts, it was Wops — I even got shot at by some Ruskies once, and they was meant to be on the same bloody side!" Ruttenden even recounted one incident during which he was attacked by an entire battalion of Tom Hanks look-alikes during the 1944 Battle of the Bulge who apparently mistook him for someone called Ryan who had made off with the GIs' entire supply of prophylactics shortly before the chance arrival of a refugee column of Belgian nymphomaniacs. "They were pretty pissed off, as I recall," noted a grim-faced Alf.

Alf, who also lost a testicle at the Battle of Arnheim after coming under attack from a German Tiger tank he had mistaken for a handy Italian mobile "House of Comfort", is certain he knows who to blame for the suffering he endured.

"In my opinion it's my mam and dad that are at fault here. They should have thought about the consequences for me before banging away at each other like a couple of bloody rabbits. It's a damned disgrace and I want compensating."

This is not the first time that Alf has turned to the law in his fight against injustice. Two years ago he unsuccessfully tried to sue the government of France, who he blamed for a small scar on his left elbow caused by a discarded broken bottle the disgruntled old soldier encountered as he reluctantly stormed a Normandy beach. The case was thrown out of court when the bottle was proved to be the property of Ober-Sturmbannfurher Otto Von Keinkel, an SS officer killed when a light-hearted attempt to set fire to a colleagues farts backfired and wiped out the entire "Eva Braun" Panzer division during its attempt to escape through the Falaise gap during the Summer of 1944.

Ruttenden, though, is repentant. "That Gold beach was a bloody disgrace," he thundered. "Dog shit everywhere, broken champagne bottles. Bloody Frenchies."

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Reluctant war vet sues dead parents

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