Monday 22nd August 2005
Vets' fury at WWII commemoration slur
Bush's 'Roll of Honour' slight to SS
by BP Perry
A storm is brewing between World War II veterans and the organisers of a glittering World War II victory party scheduled to be held in Prague tomorrow, it has been revealed. Whilst the finishing touches are applied to the glittering event, which will be attended by dignitaries from across the world, former SS officers are furious that their leader, Adolf Hitler, has been left out of George W. Bush's "Roll of Honour" victory celebration speech.
One angry old Nazi, Horst Shister, summed up the feelings of many. "I think it's disgusting", shouted the one-legged former Sobibor medical torturer, "Without Hitler's contribution, figures such as Stalin, Roosevelt, and that fat drunk Churchill would never have had their moment in the sun. To deny the Fuhrer his rightful place in the celebrations is as ridiculous as a nativity play that leaves out Jesus. Or the donkeys. Everyone loves the nativity donkeys, don't they?"
Mr. Shister, who has lived in Argentina since late May 1945 after securing a post with the the world's largest corned-beef manufacturer, believes that the American president should amend his speech and thank the charismatic Austrian firebrand for services to war and movie-making.
"Without Hitler, people such as John Wayne, Richard Burton and David Niven wouldn't have had the careers and lifestyles they enjoyed. It was only because of the Fuhrer that they were able to make as many war movies as they did. Just imagine a world without The Eagle has Landed," he offered, before delighting our correspondent with a quick rendition of Donald Sutherland's outstanding Irish accent which was the undoubted highlight that cinematic masterpiece.
But Bernie Furnstein, theatrical agent specialising in the careers of deceased movie stars was quick to refute the Argentino-German butcher's claims.
"Mr. Shister is talking out of his arse," Mr Furnstein told us. "John Wayne's career wouldn't have been seriously affected if World War II hadn't happened. He was more famous for his cowboy films anyway, a period in history in which Mr. Hitler only played a small part. And as for Richard Burton? As everybody knows, his most celebrated acting role was in The Wild Geese which wasn't set in World War II at all, but in a fictitious African country. Mind you, I'll concede that Jack Hawkins might have struggled a bit career-wise. I reckon he was born in a duffle coat and rubber boots. Terrific film, The Cruel Sea..."