Celebrity haircut refutes Sésé Seko cancer slur

Reports that arch-kleptocrat Mobutu Sésé Seko, former President of Zaire, died of prostrate cancer in an expensive French hospital have been refuted by Jennifer Aniston. The former Friends favourite, famous for having hair and losing her husband to Lara Croft and her harem of adopted ne'er-do-wells, spoke out at the launch of her new range of shampoos and ethnic cleansers. "It's high time the truth was known. Ex-President Mobutu Sésé Seko is not dead. He cuts my lawn every other Tuesday and I've seen him behind the counter at 7/11 selling cigarettes to children," said the media-shy comedienne.

Chinese and European officials today held a second round of emergency talks to change a textiles disagreement that has led to millions of trousers and bras barred from entering the EU. Since the ban came into effect last week, thousands of moustachioed and trouserless Belgian men have perished with even Hergé's Tin Tin and The Thompson Twins being effected by the trouser shortage. Hairy under-armed women marched on Italy's parliament in protest of the ban. In the UK, Downing Street was the scene of hard-nippled women and out-of-work drag queens demonstrating in their millions for President Blair to reconsider the embargo. All has not been doom and gloom, however. The London Chamber of Commerce issued figures showing a marked increase in pub and club profits in the past two weeks as sex-crazed perverts flocked to ogle bra-less barmaids and trouserless nightclub staff.

Today the inventor of plastination, the world famous humanitarian and animal-lover Gunther von Hagens, waded into the animal rights debate. The German medic — whose supporters include Michael Jackson, David Beckham and Rolf Harris — issued a list of all animals he feels should be exempt from animal testing. Moralistic von Hagens's list includes golden retrievers, tabby cats, springer spaniels, deer, squirrels, black Labradors, grizzly bears, elk, pandas and Yorkshire terriers. Results of a hastily cobbled together Gallup poll show that 76.3 per cent of animal rights extremist terrorists surveyed are in agreement with the Teutonic scientist. von Hagens has also helpfully submitted a list of animals scientists should be encouraged to submit to the kind of testing readers of The Guardian will consider cruel. This list consists of evil pitbulls, rats, Siamese cats, ring-tailed lemurs, antelope, gibbons, poodles, sharks, Chihuahuas, Manchester City's Joey Barton, chavs, parakeets, guinea pigs and geese.