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I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

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Trawl Rockall for:

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Rockall rocked by Tracy Island shit*storm

In an exclusive interview with The Rockall Times, Captain Ivan Scarlet, Rockall's recently appointed "Czar" for Homeland Security (HS), Commander in Chief (C-in-C) of the sacred islet's Rapid Reaction Force (RRF) and Combined Strategic Armed Forces (CSAF) has acted swiftly to refute claims currently circulating in the world press and on BBC TV that the island of Rockall is in fact none other than "Tracy Island", the top-secret base for operations carried out by the mysterious International Rescue organisation.

The BBC's Newsnight programme first reported the story when it was discovered that Rockall is a nom de plume adopted in the 1960s when its name was secretly changed by deed pole by the reclusive and wealthy philanthropic resident Mr Jeff Tracy. Mr Tracy made his fortune in junk bonds, junk food, junk boat construction and South American pharmaceuticals before buying a house on Rockall's famous "millionaires mile" situated in idyllic South Bay which is known the world over as the Big Sur of the North Eastern Atlantic.

Following the statement from the Rockall security services, Mr Tracy agreed to break the silence concerning his family and granted an interview with The Rockall Times' international award-winning journalistic team. Speaking from a sunlounger besides the swimming pool at his home in South Bay where the tender azure Atlantic breeze gently rustled in the sheltering palms, Mr Tracy said that the privacy of his family had been the subject of much speculation over the years. A smile crossed his face, sun tanned to the tone of well-polished oak, as he commented on the many absurd reports which had appeared in the media. He referred to a story in the News of the World which had recently run a spread on Gordon's so called "lager, vodka and Viagra-fuelled night of shame" when he was spotted drunk in a London night club with several members of a leading Premier League football team, notably Joe "90" Cole, they had been seen snorting cocaine and ended up enjoying a three-in-a-bed session with Abi Titmuss and her lapdog Clifford.

Mr Tracy's eyes hardened to brown amber orbs as he then recounted the conspiracy theories which surrounded his friendship with Lady Penelope Creighton-Ward and her striking resemblance to the late Princess Diana. He dismissed the rumours that under the influence of narcotics Princess Di had mistakenly got into Lady Penelope's chauffeur driven car on that fateful night in Paris in 1997 and that her driver had crashed the car when he mistook Lady Di's Arabic companion for a suicide bomber and heard him say that he had "something in his trousers which would be taking her to heaven that night".

But Mr Tracy has learnt to set all these accusations aside and explained that since arriving on Rockall he had tried to integrate himself fully into the local community. He had adopted a young man known affectionately to the rest of the family as "Brains", in fact the boy's real name was Michael and he had been adopted after Virgil spotted the locals laughing at Michael's physical and mental disabilities as he walked up the main street juggling three lobsters. He also spoke sadly of his other adopted child, a local girl simply known as "Tin Tin", a gifted musician but troubled adolescent, who had left home to find fame and fortune in the bright lights of the city. "So you see," said Mr Tracy, "we are a family just like any other, we too are the puppets of fate and have our dysfunctions." Close to tears, he ended the interview and thoughtfully lit another king-sized Benson and Hedges.

There is no doubt that the Tracys are held in high regard by other inhabitants of Rockall. Reacting angrily to the Newsnight report, media pundits at the Fighting Dog and Pikey public house took a break from watching Match of The Day 2 to express their view "that Paxo can go stuff himself", as eloquently explained by local Danish whaling vessel owner Mr Carl Carlsberg amid nods of approval from several other customers. Mr Doug Guano who works in the local agro-fertilizer industry commented that the story was "a load of crap, this is just the sort of shitty publicity our economy does not need at the moment", and again there was a chorus of approval from other drinkers in the bar. "I know shit when I smell it" added Guano enigmatically.

Local musician Adrea "Tin Tin" Corr — taking a break from entertaining the clientele with her penny whistle — said she had first "heard it on the radio" but thought it was just idle "talk on corners". Glasgow born barman Alec McEwen dismissed the whole story as a load of "balloc*ks" and went on to explain that a team of researchers for the Celebrity Love Island programme had visited Rockall in March in preparation for filming the 2010 series on the island. "How can they give an impression of isolation on a tropical island if Thunderbird 1 keeps fuc*king blasting off into the stratosphere every five minutes to rescue that little bastard Sonny and his fuc*king kangaroo who have fallen down another bloody disused mine shaft in the Australian outback?" Another drinker at the bar, Mr Ronald Atkinson, added to the already heated debate by commenting that Newcastle must be "fuc*king mad to pay £16m for that useless, lazy, Scouse, dago-loving bas*tard Micha*l Ow*n®".

British Prime Minister Tony Blair ™, took a break from his hedgehog-shooting holiday on St Kilda to briefly say that the government would be pulling strings to get to the bottom of the story. He went on to say that in recent talks between No 10 and the Whitehouse both he and President Bush® had seriously considered the possibility of asking International Rescue to help resolve the Iraqi Constitutional crisis where an agreement between the Sunni and Shi'ite populations continues to elude negotiators.

At a Whitehouse press conference, Condoleezza Rice said that the whole issue was really a job for Thunderbirds 1 and 2. Scott in Thunderbird 1 would be first on the scene to set up the rescue package as negotiations continue to stall. It will be his job to liaise with local Shi'ite and Sunni authorities and figure out the best approach to the situation. Virgil — as gifted an engineer as he is an minimalist artist and musician (he incidentally wrote the song for the UK's winning entry for the 1967 Eurovision Song Contest) — will then arrive in Thunderbird 2, which would ferry in the extra troops, armoured vehicles and equipment the team will need to accomplish the job of resolving the crisis. It would be hoped that the mere presence of Thunderbird 1 will offset the Shi'ite power play which undercuts one of Washington's goals for the constitution: to invigorate a political process that will lure disaffected Sunni Arabs away from the ongoing insurgency so that US troops can begin their scheduled transfer to Venezuela later this year.

However, the American administration does not wish to see "a puppet government established in Iraq simply to facilitate a US exit strategy in the region", Ms Rice explained. President Bush® has said that in his opinion the Sunni insurgents are backed by agents of Sheik Belah Gaat known to international security forces of the world as the elusive master criminal "al-Hoody". Gaat and his fanatical Muslim supporters has been plotting the demise of International Rescue from his hideout in a remote Malaysian temple for the last 35 years.

Previously

• Is Rockall the real Tracy Island?
• Rockall identified as Atlantis
• So, where the bloody hell is Rockall?