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Monday 29th August 2005

Iraqi parliament reaches surprise accord

Harmony beckons for sun-kissed paradise

by Al-fresco Jazeera

Amid the ongoing bruhaha surrounding Iraq's draft constitition — likely never to see the light of day in the sun-kissed paradise astride the Tigris due to Sunni objections — there is some happier news on the political accord front.

Kurdish, Shi'ite and Sunni assembly members yesterday unanimously signed an agreement which holds some hope for a brighter future for Iraq. The Rockall Times has obtained an exclusive preview of the document, which some commentators are already calling "The Miracle of Baghdad":

WE, the assembly members of the forthcoming Islamic/Peoples'/Republic/Democracy (delete as appropriate) of Iraq hereby declare that:

  1. The Parliament's toilet paper shall be blue, shall be unrolled from the top and shall be made available in hard "medicated" form for the Shi'ite majority.
  2. The toilet seat shall be raised during the act of urination, and afterwards restored to the horizontal position, as a mark of respect to our Muslim sisters.
  3. No bicycles to be left in the shared lobby, except on Fridays.
  4. Choice of TV channel in the staff canteen to be decided as follows: Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays — Shi'ites; Tuesdays and Thursdays — Sunnis; Weekends — Kurds. Please leave the remote on top of the set when you have finished.
  5. No posters to be displayed in communal areas — except that one of the tennis girl scratching her knickerless arse.
  6. All electricity and gas bills to be divided thus: Shi'ites — 40 per cent; Kurds — 40 per cent; Sunnis — 20 per cent. Spending of bill money in the local kebab shop shall be punishable by death.
  7. No partners to sleep overnight without prior permission.
  8. All parties hereby agree to clearly label their own milk in the communal fridge.
  9. Unauthorised use of another's milk from said communal fridge shall be punishable by death.
  10. Failure by any party to adhere to the above shall make them liable to suicide car-bomb attack, and/or a fine to be held in the central washing powder kitty.

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