Hurricane Katrina wrecks piss-up in brewery

As the US Gulf Coast recovers from a week of abnormally stiff breezes organisers of a party at a local Budweiser brewery have castigated state officials for the shambles caused by the inclement weather. "Where were they?" shouted Bob Mickatawny of Rumskoda, Alabama. We travelled four hundred and fifty miles for this party and we get here and there aint a soul in sight."

Senator Richard E Barraclough III apologised to thousands of disappointed partygoers, claiming that the wind was a bit stronger than they had anticipated and the millions of evacuees from New Orleans included people who had responsibility for the annual Bud Piss Up, held every two years at the Louisiana brewery. "Maybe we should have brought in volunteers from the National Guard," said Barraclough who became famous in the 1970s for pretending to be a large working class woman. "But all the National Guard are being shot at in Eyerack, and there aint no folks left here to take their place at the Bud Piss Up. Next year it'll all be different."

Rumours soon spread that the brewery had run out of beer anyway and that bottled water was being brought in by tanker from Washington state, six weeks sail away on the north west coast. Ira Rubble, from Paxmona, Illinois, found herself sat with eighteen thousand homeless people wondering what the hell was going on. "The brewery is over there," she told The Rockall Times. "I'm a over here, and there aint no buses, no trains, there aint even any sidewalks. We gets no news about if and when the Bud Piss Up is gonna be rescheduled, cancelled or what. My butt is aching from sittin on the kerb and I can't understand a word of what these folks around me are sayin. I was in Mogadishu last year and things weren't a half as bad as this."

President Bush addressed the nation last night as increasing outrage spread across America that such an erstwhile tradition was being compromised by a bit of wind. "America does not abandon its people," he told the watching electorate whilst being flanked by Donny "Osmond" Rumsfeld and an unidentified bald man. "We'll get the beer to New Orleans, we'll get the staff. And to all those selfish folks complaining about being abandoned in the Superdome, well... I'm sorry. You were told to haul ass, but you decided to be homeless in the land of opportunity and home of the brave, and now you Democrat voters and John Kerry lipspittles want the Republican US government to help you out. God bless America, unless you're a black man. Thank you."

The address did not go down well amongst black communities across the US. The Very Reverend Jesse Jackson compared the New Orleans victims to slaves in the hold of a ship. "Two catastrophes, a wind and the collapse of the annual Bud Piss Up. Don't tell me this is the government of crisis management. I have a dream..." At which point the connection was lost.

A leaked memo from Donald Rumsfeld's office to the White House suggested that the war in Iraq was failing in its objective of reducing the number of blue collars who normally vote Democrat. "This gift from God, [Hurricane Katrina] could have made up the numbers, but ten thousand dead is a drop in the ocean. I suggest Mr Pres, that you try to hold off relief efforts for another week at least. Unfortunately this means jettisoning the annual Bud Piss Up, but so be it."

The last word must go to Earl Lester, a taxi driver from Albucana, West Virginia, who came out of his nuclear bunker to find his taxi submerged in four feet of water. "Been driving that taxi for fifty eight years man and boy. The Bud Piss Up shud av seen me makin a mint, but everyone's dun a bunk and cleared off; workers, visitors, and the finally irony, they was plannin on bringin in bottled water cos they've got no beer. Look at all the fuc*kin water ere! Water water everywhere an not a drop to bleedin drink. My old mum wud be spinnin in her grave. Talk about the land of opportunity, it's more like bleedin Ackney!"

Previously

• Florida braced for hurricane
• Buttwasher: King of Football
• Landlord answers centuries-old riddle