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I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

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Trawl Rockall for:

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Middle England™ warms to Ken Clarke

As the battle for the captainship of Battleship Tory lukewarms up en route to an explosive climax akin to a small banger going off in a tin can, front-runner Ken Clarke has won the hearts of Middle England with his chummy, granny-friendly bonhommie.

Clarke — known to his close friends and political allies as "Kenneth" — look set fair to see off the challenge from a Conservative cornucopia of fellow patriots, including ideological dominatrix Theresa May and Northern class agitator David Davis.

Political commentators have given Clarke the thumbs-up as the only man likely to put traditional Tory values aside completely in order to secure an otherwise impossible election victory. His well-known opposition to the Iraq war, inspired entirely by the terrible humanitarian consequences of that bloody conflict and not in any way by political expedience, has hit a nerve among the peace-loving 50 to 75-year-old Home Counties demographic whose violent demonstrations against the Falklands punch-up are a matter of record.

Out, then, goes the bellicose Tory curmudgeon of old, to be replaced by a caring, touchy-feely Conservative grandfather figure — dispensing political Werther's Originals to wide-eyed, blonde voters with the promise of a better future for all.

Indeed, Clarke has promised that when elected, he will immediately set right the years of Labour misrule which have reduced this once-sceptered isle to a smoking battleground filled with alcopop-fuelled hoodies battering decorated war veterans with stolen iPods. His radical, breathtaking plans include:

• Renationalisation of the UK's railways, wrecked by Labour mismanagement.
• Abolition of the NHS's "internal market" system, blamed for reducing the nation's health infrastructure to a state resembling that of Democratic Republic of Congo.
• Raising income tax across the board to invest in public services and welfare.
• Reintroducing the death penalty for political corruption, including accepting free stays at the Paris Hilton and taking cash for questions.
• A radical shake-up of the licensing laws to allow pubs to serve alcohol for just ten minutes a day. Parliament's bars are exempt under the provisions of the "We make the laws and we want a drink right now" Bill of 1863.
• Scrapping the iniquitous Council Tax system and replacing it with an alternative based on the number of occupants of a property.
• Running out of town anyone with a touch of the tar brush not willing to swear an oath of allegiance to Brussells.

Proof, were it needed, that Clarke really does have the common touch, was provided by one Basingstoke pensioner struggling to cope on three-and-six a week with a dicky hip and no way of getting to the nearest "Poundland" after the local bus service was withdrawn: "He looks very clean," she told our man on the street. "A very nice man."

On the front line, meanwhile, local Tory cadres back the man they see as the party's only prospect of ever regaining power. "No-one is going to vote for anyone who wears leopardskin shoes," admitted one grim-faced activist at the Basingstoke South office of "True Blues for Ken", making reference to rightist pin-up Theresa "You've been a very naught boy" May. "And as for David Davis, well, his grandfather led the Jarrow March. You can take the boy out of the Tyne, but you can't take the Tyne out of the boy. He's like that Portillo chap; dad fought for the Spanish Republic. Shifty character, not to be trusted. Poof too, as I recall. Nasty business."

There is, nonetheless, one contender who might yet sink Clarke's bid for the UK's third-largest political entity: Liam Fox, darling of the right whose equally breathtaking plans include:

• Privatisation of everything, including the Armed forces.
• Establishment of a new level of senior NHS management to oversee a revitalised internal market.
• Cutting income tax to a record level of -10 per cent, with a new rate of -50 per cent for the UK's top earners.
• Reintroduction of the death penalty for kiddie fiddlers, pikeys, dole-scrounging, shoplifting single mothers, terrorists, hoodies, etc, etc, etc.
• A radical shake-up of the licensing laws to prevent pubs from serving any alcohol at all to avoid drunken munitions workers failing to provide the material necassary for the forthcoming wars in Iran, Syria and Chad. Parliament's bars are exempt under the provisions of the "I'm the PM and I want a brandy right now" Bill of 1871.
• Scrapping the iniquitous Council Tax system and replacing it with an alternative based on the number of occupants of a property.
• Running out of town anyone with a touch of the tar brush.

Iaiaian Duncan-Smith, Michael Howard and William Hague were unavailable for comment last night.

Previously

• That sensational Teresa May radio interview in full
• Contenders prepare to grasp Tory chalice
• Tory luminaries pierce gloom of Orwellian nanny state