Rockall locals hail new-look Jodie Marsh

Rockall locals last week hailed the news that good-time Essex girl Jodie Marsh is to revert to her natural brunette in an attempt to regain the credibility she lost after pursuing a career as a professional, boob-flashing strumpet.

Indeed, many men who shed a few 'nadloads of man juice over snaps of the disrobed Marsh were completely oblivious to her academic credentials and unaware that she was once a respected academic author who had published three monograms on possible models for a decypherment of Etruscan and speculated in several papers on the plausibility of an eleven-dimensioned universe — long before theoretical physics go-getters had even considered the idea.

Marsh told Post-reinvented New Female Monthly: "One of the reasons I went back to my roots was to be taken a bit more seriously. As a blonde, I don't think I get enough credit for what I do — I'm writing my first novel and do loads of charity work — and I hope going brunette will help give me the respect I crave."

The novel in question, reportedly a reworking of The Naked Lunch set in Theydon Boise, will be written in a Marquezesque magic realism style without any punctuation in a similar fashion to the Colombian author's The Autumn of the Patriarch. It will benefit from a 30-page colour pull-out about shopping for shoes in Bluewater, with forward by Will Self.

The clientele of Rockall's Fighting Dog and Pikey welcomed the new-look Marsh. "Yeah, I really enjoyed her analysis of female celebrity for the Guardian," admitted one pale-faced youth pumping nuggets into the pub's new "Abi Titmuss" frutie. "What was it called? Yeah, The Female Pillock, that's it. Caused a bit of a rumpus in my house when the missus took exception to Marsh's assertion that flashing your beef curtains to the press is in fact an emancipatory gesture for the benefit of sisters worldwide. That and the idea that the universe is comprised of eleven dimensions. Bloody hell, I had a week of 'and I don't want to hear another effing word about Jodie bloody Marsh and her superstrings, you got that?' Birds, eh?"

At this point our interviewee broke off to climb the frutie's "Titmuss Ladder of Fame" because, having ridden the "John Leslie Greasy Pole" to gain thirteen nudges on the "Paparazzi Tit Flash Tabloid Wheel of Fortune", he now stood to win £20 if he could scale the dizzy heights of the said ladder and enter "Abi's Juicy Bonus Box".

Over by the bar, landlord Vince endorsed his punter's analysis. "Good on yer girl," he beamed, proudly displaying a signed photo of Marsh's visit to the Fighting Dog and Pikey when she amazed locals with both her faultless command of the local dialect and her ability to project a bar billiards ball 30 feet by vaginal contraction alone. "Superstrings, eh? That'll give the old boys in the snug food for thought, make no mistake."

Previously

• When Abi met Robbie — but not Jodie
• Celebrities have more sex, better sex and sex with more people
• You too could have sex with Abi Titmuss