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US media battles over remains of Big Easy

The American media's predilection for ludicrous hyperbole reached dizzying new heights today as news crews and officials competed in all-American bouts of one-upmanship.

With Ted Turner's® CNN comparing the flooding in New Orleans to the suffering caused by apartheid in South Africa, The New York Post upped the ante by drawing parallels with the tsunami that rocked Asia last Christmas. "New Orleans Sunk by Floods Worse Than Indian Ocean Tsunami" screamed the headline in the tabloid above a short paragraph explaining that last year's tsunami happened abroad and that only foreigners were affected.

Having recently lost its long-serving Canadian anchorman Peter Jennings, ABC News, clearly still in a state of flux over his death, compared the Louisiana flooding to the holocaust — prompting a torrent of complaints from Idaho's majority neo-Nazi population. Not content with being outdone, NBC's Nightly News juxtaposed the crisis in New Orleans with the last-ever episode of Friends and losing baseball's World Series to the Toronto blue Jays — in two consecutive years — in the 1990s.

Network CBS, who has conservatively allegorised the flooding to Africa's AIDS epidemic, aired real-life accounts from those who survived Birmingham's recent hurricane disaster. Dialect experts from the BBC's Tellytubbies worked tirelessly to ensure the uplifting stories of survival were delivered with comprehensive subtitles for those few in America's deep south who can read but who patently cannot speak English.

Senator Ted Kennedy delivered a rousing condemnation of the leaky Louisiana levees from his bar stool in a Massachusetts distillery. "I can think of no one better to handle this crisis than the perfectly-named Irma Plummer, the mayor of Baton Rouge's emergency coordinator," slurred the IRA's sole remaining collaborator. "She is doing all she can by praying to the good Lord above," he croaked, crossing himself. "And I would like to offer a torrential downpour of support to the jazz-loving folk of The Big Easy. Dennis Quaid has always had the capacity to give me the horn something cruel, hallelujah praise be to God."

In light of the New Orleans catastrophe, offers of aid have come flooding in from America's many international allies and admirers. Enterprising Chinese capitalists have circumvented further European trade embargoes by re-routing their stranded textile surplus to New Orleans after cobbling together a hastily-agreed and lucrative trade deal with America's President Bush. News of the arrival of thousands of bras and millions of pairs of trousers was met with tired delight by grotesquely obese men in the Louisiana capital of Baton Rouge.

Swaziland's King Mswati III has pledged eight tonnes of condoms to the devastated region. Having recently decreed the end of the umchwasho, a ban on sex with teenage girls, the Vatican-issue rubber johnnies will be delivered straight to the front lines in New Orleans where randy victims can continue their looting without fear of contracting dreaded diseases like Chlamydia, Asian bird flu and German measles. Long-standing American ally Lebanon has committed 10,000 raisin salesmen to assist with the New Orleans operation with immediate effect.

New Orleans was founded as a French colony in 1718, and named for Phillipe, Duc d’Orleans, Regent of France. In light of their historical association, the French national railway, SNCF, committed to go on strike for "at least a week" in solidarity with their American unionist comrades. Moderate Jean-Marie Le Pen promised to set fire to a number of run-down buildings used to house illegal Algerian immigrants in suburban Paris as a mark of respect to Washington.

Britain, who attempted in vain to conquer Louisiana during the War of 1812, committed to having another go as soon as President Blair and first-lady Chérie returned from their six-month holiday. Chief Conservative Party wannabe Kenneth Clarke blasted: "The war did not create the danger of Islamic terrorism in this country ... [but] the decision by the UK government to become the leading ally of President Bush in the Iraq debacle has made Britain one of the foremost targets for Islamic extremists," he told members of the Ford Cortina Owners Club at a church fête in Bootle.

Late-breaking news

The United States Senate has authorised President Bush to deploy 800,000 military reservists to Universal Studio's new Weatherland theme park in response to the meteorological terrorist threat engulfing his nation. Having deliberated for a week, Senate concluded that hurricane Katrina was not constitutional and that force by any means necessary should be dispensed in an effort to "kick the tempest's ass". Bush's war on Weatherland sent shockwaves down Wall Street with experts forecasting the hostilities would damage Universal Studio's share prices by as much as 2¾ percent, resulting in a potential net loss of $16m.

Previously

• Media red-faced after Asian tsunami fiasco
• Asian tsunami catastrophe: UK house prices unaffected
• What Not to Loot

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