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I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

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Trawl Rockall for:

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New Orleans: Our chilling eyewitness report

The following is a transcript of a live on-the-spot report from the centre of New Orleans recorded by Rockall Broadcasting Corporation biblical-scale disaster correspondent How Tenji before his sudden disappearance at 21.21 local time yesterday.

The scene: An apocalyptic, post-hurricane vista of aquatic carnage virtually beyond human comprehension. Upturned cars, wrecked building, floating corpses, the sound of distant gunfire...

How Tenji: Good evening. I am standing it what until three days ago could be described as the thriving city of New Orleans, but which can now only be described, if words are indeed enough to describe the scene of utter devastation all around, as a scene of utter devastation hitherto unseen in the state of Louisiana, or beyond. Indeed, words can barely encompass the utter...

CNN reporter: (In background) Hey you limey fuc*k, you wanna cut the 'utter devastation' line? CNN gets 'utter devastation', CBS gets 'biblical apocalypse' and the rest of the hyperbole is allocated to the cable channels. Get your own catchphrase, for chrissakes.

HT: Good evening. I am standing in what until three days ago might be described as the city of New Orleans, but which can now only be described, for legal reasons, as the space formerly occupied by the city of New Orleans, a space hitherto unseen in the state of Louisiana due to its former occupation by the aforementioned city. And amid the carnage..."

CNN: Hey!

HT: Demolishment?

CNN: Sure, but watch your goddam mouth.

HT: And amid the demolishment and despoliation, the wretched survivors...

Camera pans to interviewee.

HT: ...of the tsunamic apocalypse which provoked one New York daily to ask: 'Jesus H. Christ Where'd The Big Easy Go?' A good question, and with me is Milton Freelooter III. So, where did the Big Easy go?

Milton Freelooter III: Money up front, bro. Five hundred bucks for three minutes and CNN is waiting so, like, no retakes.

Money changes hands.

HT: Sir, how long have you lived in New Orleans?

MF III: Oh, 'bout three hours. Me and the crew reckoned we'd come and lend a hand.

HT: How's it been?

MF III: Ain't seen nothing like this since the LA quake. It's a jungle out there, man.

Breaks off suddenly to shoot a man attempting to wheel away a shopping trolley loaded with DVD players, flat-screen TVs and bottled water.

MF III: Muthafuc*ka. Listen, man, I gotta go. I can get twenty bucks for a bottle of Evian up at the Superdome, but if the National Guard spot me with this, they're gonna pop a cap in my ass and no messin'.

Interviewee joins a convoy of trolleys wheeling quality electrical equipment and TV dinners in the direction of Georgia. One of them contains the remains of a CNN video camera and a bound TV correspondent who will later be ransomed for a new condo in Alabama.

HT: The words law and order, if that's what they now are, have ceased to have any meaning in this post-apocalyptic scene of utter devastation; devastation so utterly complete that...

Our correspondent ducks behind a burnt-out SUV as a running gun battle breaks out between Louisiana National Guard and New Orleans police officers attempting to make their way out of the city in a Humvee loaded with looted iPods and oven-ready microwaveable pizzas.

Cuts.

Scene: A devastated Starbucks in New Orleans' business district. Our correspondent and a local environmental expert look miserably at a plate of waterlogged blueberry muffins.

HT: I'm here with local academic Professor Matthews to discuss the causes of this disaster which has rocked Louisiana to the very boggy foundations on which the Big Easy used to rest. Professor Matthews, you have been warning of this impending disaster for several years. Give us your thoughts.

Professor Matthews: Its been inevitable for some years now that New Orleans would be flooded. As the city sank lower and lower the risk became progressively greater.

HT: The city sank?

PM: Yes, not even the French were stupid enough to build a city in a swamp. New Orleans used to be set on rolling hills overlooking the lake.

HT: But how...

PM: Half a million obese Americans crammed into a small area caused the earth's crust to deform, just like a piece of heavy pepperoni sinking into the mozzarella on a pizza topping.

HT: I suppose this is hot mozzarella we're talking about?

PM: Yes, the mozzarella is hot enough for the pepperoni to sink for about five minutes after the pizza comes out of the oven. After that, the cooling process provokes hardening of the cheese topping, preventing the pepperoni from sinking.

HT: Would a 'like a pancake floating on maple syrup' analogy perhaps be more accurate?

PM: Possibly, if you added some corn starch to the syrup to more adequately reflect the consistency of the Earth's crust.

HT: And perhaps a few little plastic alligators, just to make the thing more interesting for kids?

PM: Sure, why not? Anything which brings home the truly biblical scale of this utter devastation.

HT: Biblical indeed. And the solution?

PM: The City authorities have taken my advice, and are completely evacuating New Orleans. Once the total mass of quivering lard is reduced the land should begin to rebound and the flood waters will recede naturally. Of course, a reconstructed New Orleans will be open only to thin people if we don't want the whole place to sink again like like a pancake floating on maple syrup mixed with corn starch and little plastic alligators.

HT: Of course, Mother Nature must take her share of the blame. Maple syrup and alligators can't bear the entire responsibility. Your thoughts?

PM: It's clearly global warming. We need to reduce CO2 levels as quickly as possible. I'm pleased to say that my plan to to tackle this problem head-on has enjoyed Presidential support for the past thirty years.

HT: Really? I thought President Bush was very sceptical about global warming.

PM: Wrong: George really cares about the environment. In a nutshell, we're using the great American public as a carbon sink. Put simply, we feed them as much as possible thus locking away billions of tonnes of carbon which would otherwise cause global warming and freak weather conditions like we have just experienced. I calculate that when we reach our target of 90 per cent of Americans at 60 per cent overweight, the effects of CO2 emissions will be completely negated.

Interview is interrupted by an enraged mob outside beating to death an enormously fat man who has just raped and murdered a young woman.

PM: Of course, the problem we still have is what happens when all that stored carbon is unlocked...

At this point, the Starbucks is invaded by an armed crowd desperate for the last of New Orleans' double chocka latte decaf. A scuffle ensues during which the picture is seen to tilt wildly, then cut completely. The sound runs for a few seconds more, during which Tenji is heard to shout: 'This is How Tenji, RBC News, in the quite literally utterly devastated city of New Orleans. Over to you in the studio...'

Previously

• Missing Briton found alive after tsunami ordeal
• Relief floods into disaster-raped island
• What Not to Loot