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BB's Makosi dominates bite-sized news

Wigan AFC manager Paul Jewell spoke today of his recent transfer deadline frustration. "We worked around the clock to get some big names in and, in the end, we're delighted to have coerced David Connolly to sign with our ambitious club from a side as big and as successful as Leicester City," he enthused. "David was our first choice signing after Rivaldo, Faustino Asprilla, Tony Adams, Gary Lineker, Paul Gascoigne, Diego Maradona, Wilfie Mannion, Pele, Dean Windass, Neil Shipperley, Paul Daniels and Jimmy Five-Bellies had all spurned our advances. Makosi from Big Brother was unable to secure a work-permit."

Makosi, meanwhile, has continued to bemoan her ejection from the UK for breaking the terms of her work permit by appearing with enormous breasts asunder on the acclaimed Channel 4 reality TV cun*tfest. "Abi Titmuss flashed her assets and she's got a column for Men's Maximum Health magazine," whined the busty deportee as immigration directorate officials struggled to stop her undressing for the waiting press. "Don't I at least get a spot on Richard & Judy?" wailed the distraught strumpet as she was led up the steps of a plane back to whence she came.

In response to Makosi's shameful outburst as she exited the UK, Abi Titmuss last night issued a statement in which she stated: "Did I ever tell you I love sex? If I wasn't so busy having sex with people for Men's Maximum Health, I'd come round and sex with you. Just thinking about your enormous member in my mouth makes me all a-quiver. Why? because I love sex, that's why." Titmuss later apologised via her office which explained that she had accidently sent next month's Men's Maximum Health column instead of the proper statement which read: "No comment".

Channel 4 last night issued a statement in which it defended Big Brother, and in particular the antics of Kinga Karolczak who at one stage was simultaneously "entertaining" four other housemates at an improvised party on her gargantuan bust. Orlaith McAllister, who left the show early because she wasn't getting the attention she so richly deserved, admitted she herself had enjoyed a half-hour session on Kinga's bouncy castles, during which she had orgasmed 14 times. "Did I tell you I love sex?" she told our arts correspondent before he could make his escape from the dreadful blonde by jumping from a third-storey window.

In Makosi's native Zimbabwe, Zanu-PF officials last night pledged to bulldoze the disgraced strumpets breast's as part of the government's controversial slum clearance programme. "We're going to build a hospital on the cleared area," said a spokesman for president Mugabe. "Or maybe not. What's it to you anyway?" he concluded while waving an AK-47 in our Harare reporter's face.

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