US will not take Katrina lying down

Following the terrible damage caused by Hurricane Katrina along the Gulf Coast, President Bush has been forced to act in an attempt to prevent this type of destruction ever hitting the American mainland ever again. Following in the success of the War on Drugs™ and the ongoing "War on Terror™, President Junior has selected another noun on which the full force of the United States of America will now be focused. The USA is now preparing for a huge new challenge — the War On Wind™

Flanked by two former Presidents, Junior spoke of his horror at the devastation that had been visited upon the city of New Orleans. "Measures are now being taken to ensure that hurricane's can never again cause blow unchecked across the ocean in to America. We are looking at all options to combat this threat."

President Junior had previously been criticised for the time it took for him to return to duties in Washington, after a vacation at his ranch in Texas. It appears that this has spurred him in to taking action now. The effects were immediate; during the press conference two reporters were arrested by the secret service, and taken to an undisclosed location. It later transpired that they had been overcome by a bout of flatulence, and are now being questioned as to why they were being so "windy".

The wholesale price of beans and pulses have dropped to a 15-year low, as people respond to the President's call to control their own wind. President Bush spelt it out: "This battle begins at home, and, you know, what you eat can make a big difference to how windy you are."

Later in the day, the President's top scientific advisors spoke to reporters about the specific steps that would be taken. "It is well known that the weather is a chaotic system, and that a very small action can result in a very large result elsewhere. This is normally referred to as 'The Butterfly Effect', and with good reason," he said.

"If a butterfly flaps its wings on the African Coast, this can cause a chaotic chain reaction that can eventually lead to the terrifying weather we have seen around the Gulf Coast," the grim-faced boffin added, before those present proceeded to describe what they would be doing to counter the danger posed by butterflies.

"There is only one possible response in the face of this butterfly attack — we must eliminate the butterflies responsible. Using the latest in butterfly net technology, and other weapons I can not talk about, we will stop this flapping hazard. The butterflies will be caught, and their flapping will be stopped. Permanently."

It is not yet clear how many African countries will allow American Marines to patrol their coastlines, killing the local fauna, but last night the Secretary for Defence was suggesting that certain rights may have to be suspended. "We have identified the problem. The wing flapping has to stop.," he asserted. "It doesn't matter to me if they are caught in nets or nuked. We will win the War on Wind™"

Known butterfly fancier Bono was unavailable for comment last night.

Previously

• Jesus H. Christ we're all going to die!
• Global warming: It's worse than we thought
• Scientists prove everyone on planet ‘already dead’