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New world record for proud West-Country farmer

A Somerset pig-farmer is tonight celebrating his entry into the Guiness Book of Records after smashing the previous record for "Most Heartless Act Committed By A Human Being Outside The Auspices Of War". Terry Lemons, who has been aching to get his name in the book ever since Roy Castle visited his school in 1978, finally took his place in history on Thursday under the watchful eye of Guiness official Bunty Ormoroid.

At seven o'clock precisely Mr. Lemons snatched a roast beef and Yorkshire pudding dinner from the hands of a poor starving disabled Ethiopian boy the pig-farmer had had specially flown in from Adis-Ababa for the occasion. What guaranteed his place in the world famous book was that before stealing the boy's food, Mr. Lemons had arranged for him to be visited by Father Christmas who proceeded to ridicule the lad's condition before slapping him hard in the face. These two awful acts — combined with the fact that the boy was then left to fend for himself in a randomly-selected motorway service-station — were what swayed it for Ms. Ormoroid.

"Mr. Lemons' complete absence of compassion was awe-inspiring," she said, "That boy will be scarred for life after what's happened to him today. Hat's off to Mr. Lemons for such heartless behaviour."

The previous record-holder Horace Grint, a convicted child-molester and amateur magician, rang Mr. Lemons to congratulate him. Mr. Grint had held the record for five years for the emotionless cold-hearted strangling of five Labrador puppies in front of the dogs' bawling child owners.

Previously

• German shatters shouting world record
• Blunkett snatches world record
• BBC smashes punditry world record

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