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  Monday 12th September 2005  Politics   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Ex-plod supremo savages Blunkett

Stevens shocker rocks Whitehall
by Paparazzi O'Leery

Despite the best efforts of the UK's media to keep former home secretary David Blunkett out of the press, newspapers were yesterday caught unawares by a savage and unprecedented attack on the visually-challenged ID card champion from retired Met top dog Lord Stevens.

Sir John Stevens: UniformStevens — widely admired during his tenure as Britain's supreme plod for his immaculately-pressed uniform and businesslike cap — slammed Blunkett as "duplicitous and intimidating". His memoirs recount that their relationship was initially "unpleasant and stressful" before it degenerated into an unseemly brawl during which the pair failed to agree on anything at all — from the true crime figures for London to whether Hitler's failure to withdraw from Stalingrad in 1942-3, coupled to an abortive campaign in the Caucasus, was effectively the end of the Second World War.

Stevens went on to condemn Blunkett for his lack of knowledge about policing when he came into the job, noting that he was "always tripping over chairs at Scotland Yard while his bloody dog was in the canteen poncing cakes from the WPCs".

Most shocking, though, is Stevens' claim that Blunkett intended to kill Tony and Cherie Blair during the Queen's Golden Jubilee celebrations in 2002. The intelligence — received weeks before the event from the same sources which pinpointed Saddam Hussein's terrifying arsenal of mass destruction — led police to advice Blair to don a guide-dog-proof vest, something the plucky PM declined after consulting Cherie's then fashion advisor and Tantric massage consultant Carol Caplin.

The astounding theory does have its supporters. One constitutional expert told The Rockall Times: "Despite the clear and evident necessity to bulldoze compulsory ID cards through parliament, many British citizens refused to believe that the threat of terrorism justified the measure. Since the entire project rested on knee-jerk reaction to atrocity, what better way to demonstrate the threat to Our Way of Life™ than taking out the head of the government?"

Others, however, doubt that Blunkett had the resources to carry out such an attack, given that Blair was at all times protected by his Special Republican Guard in the form of John "The Beast of Prestatyn" Prescott, a man feared for dispensing summary justice to dissident voters.

"It's just a ploy to sell more books," sighed one visibly-bored Sunday newspaper editor while scanning a long list of Stevens claims set for publication next weekend. "Ok," he shouted to an awaiting lackey. "Let's run with 'Blunkett has todger like cocktail sausage, says Stevens'. Front page, pictures on 2,3,4,5,6 and 8. And get Caplin on the phone. She must have given the bloke executive relief in return for a fast-tracked visa for her nanny or something."

Previously

 Go on then, hard man