Insulting nicknames sent off in US sports clampdown

Navaho Tribal Council Office , Yuma, Arizona — The U.S. National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) Executive Committee has identified 18 nicknames or "mascots" as "hostile or abusive" to Native Americans. Further, the National Indian Education Association (IAEN) issued a statement citing the danger of identifying ethnic identities with win-lose emotional situations such as sports. Spokesindian Susan Feather Bigtongue noted that the such use of stereotypes "harms our little braves".

Florida Gov. Jeb Bush (yeah, it's his brother; yeah, he's stupid, too) fiercely criticized the NCAA statement, saying: "I can't even tax the redskins who live in Florida. Now they want to change the [Florida] Seminoles name? Why don't these folks just stay on the goddamn reservation?"

The 18 colleges cited by the NCAA must change their teams' names, or they will not be permitted to participate in the lucrative post-season sports bowls. However, the first university to follow the new rule, Stanford, received an unexpected backlash from the Catholic Church when they renamed the "Indians" the Cardinals. The Pope excommunicated the entire team, the cheerleaders, and the Pep Squad, causing other schools to proceed cautiously lest they inadvertently offend someone.

A suggestion that all college teams simply be referred to by a number sounded promising, until a Bible College in Tennessee whose team is called "The Saved" learned its number would be "Sixty-Nine".

"This is a real poser," commented Mgr. Eammon O'Shane of Notre Dame, whose team name, the Fighting Irish, is also starting to receive some backlash from Irish Quakers. "The 'fighting' part was meant to be positive...you know...fighting spirit...not fighting in the local on Friday nights. That's just an unfortunate coincidence."

No-one from Wisconsin's "Thieving Pikeys" basketball team was available for comment last night.

Previously

• Knob-chop doc anti-Semite say militant beardies
• Brother Jeb's unshakeable faith sweeps Bush to victory
• Eat more chocolate and achieve sporting excellence, stars tell kids