Rockall Times braves the foetid bowels of Ketamine Kulture

A Rockall Times undercover operation into wicked drug du jour Ketamine has found that EVIL drug dealers are offering "two-for-one party packs" of HEROIN and CRACK, including £5-a-bag offers for PROSTITUTES.

Our Rockall reporter infiltrated well-known Mancunian drug lord Joey Barton's DEN of iniquity by dressing as a Muslim CLERIC and adopting a LIMP. Once inside, our courageous newshawk was met with a Pandora's box of Class-A narcotics and pornographic filth. Crack cocaine, heroin, uppers, downers, marijuana, dwarf pornography, ketamine, ephedrine, anal lubricants, coffee and Virgin cola were all easily available at the address which is within walking distance of a primary school, a Presbyterian church and a kebab shop. In the interests of investigative journalism and maintaining her cover, our devoted ink slinger spent a fortnight in the company of the dregs of humanity "getting high" — street parlance for drug-taking.

While under the influence of a cocktail of narcotics, our scribe saw people as young as 26 smoking drugs from so-called "bongs" — evil drug-taking apparatus. Our news hen also reported seeing white rabbits, talking trees made from the tears of orphans, Jesus Christ, toasters that spewed torrents of anti-social, racist and sexist vitriol and couples engaging in bum sex in full view of innocent pets. For a mere £8.64, our audacious Rockall Times reporter became so deluded through drugs she started to believe she could fly — just like hornswoggled American paedophile crooner R. Kelly.

It was only after a Rockall Times colleague had also braved the drug den that our heroine could escape with the last shreds of her dignity — if not her knickers — intact. In little over 14 days our plant had been transformed from a lithe, nubile, buxom blonde into a gaunt, stinking shadow of her former self offering unnatural sex acts on innocent passers-by for the knock-down price of 10p — testament to the power and destructive, unpropitious outrage that is ketamine and Class-A narcotics of its ilk.

The Rockall Times is pleased to report that we have handed over the findings of our investigation to the Greater Manchester Police Department who have promised us a full investigation into villainous, bandy-legged Muslim clerics. Sadly our ex-reporter was last seen on her hands and knees outside King's Cross Station, her mouth full of man.

Previously

• The war on drugs: Your questions answered
• Those new cannabis rules explained in full
• Drugs and your children: What every parent must know