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  Monday 12th September 2005  Sport   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Sports world demands action on 'Gawd Save the Queen'

Oh Jesus, please don't play...
by Bob Wallet

Ron Dennis, head of the Mercedes McLaren racing team, was found in tears in the pit lane after the recent Italian Grand Prix at Monza. Mechanics at first thought he was overcome by Juan Pablo Montoya's victory and the possibility that Kimi Raaaikkkonneenn had lost the chance of being crowned world champion. "No," burbled Dennis, "it's that fu*ckin awful song."

FAS, as it is now being referred to, is the British national anthem, known the world over as "Gawd Save the Queen". In a restrained press conference after the race, Dennis reiterated his earlier point. "Britain does well in Formula One, it always has, either at driver or team level. But the downside is we have to hear that fu*ckin awful dirge up on the podium."

And he's not the only one who feels this way. Earlier this year, David Posh Beckham captain of the England First XI, was asked in an interview on Spanish television how proud he feels every time he hears the first bars of the national anthem. "Proud to wear the shirt," he replied, "but that song is fu*ckin awful. We spend days and weeks getting fired up for our matches and then that thing starts up. It's like a fu*ckin funeral march. Rio [Ferdinand] dropped off before the game against Northern Ireland last week, which may explain the result."

Likewise, other British sportsmen and women who have tasted international success have also admitted to cringing in embarrassment every time the anthem pipes up. "I was at a race meeting in Turin last year," Dame Kelly Holmes told The Rockall Times recently, "and they played the national anthem for an Italian girl who won a gold in the four hundred metre hop. Everyone in the stadium was jigging and dancing and tapping their feet. Then when I won a race, I thought 'oh my god, please don't play my national anthem'. But they did. It was fu*ckin awful."

"We tried to ignore it," said Martin Johnson, captain of the World Cup winning England rugby union side. "Some of us managed to sing Jerusalem in our heads when that fuc*kin dirge was playing, but then you'd open your eyes and see eighty thousand South Africans looking at you in sympathy as if to say 'you poor fuc*king bastards, having to stand to attention during that thing'."

Even the royal family hate it. Sir Alistair Strappes-Flanders, Private Secretary to the Pearly Queen Mum for forty years once told Harpers and Queen magazine that the Queen Mum preferred Roll Out the Barrel, and would turn off her hearing aid whenever Gawd Save the Queen was played. Now the Homely Secretary Charles Jug Clarke is considering a review of the issue, known in government circles as the "FAS Problem". "We are considering a number of options," is all he would say to The Rockall Times recently when we stopped him outside Waitrose in Kensington.

The options may include new words, which would not remove the funereal feel of the anthem, or ask Mike Batt to do a more up tempo remix. The Sex Pistol's reworking is said to be "right out", but sources close to the Homely Secretary have admitted it's still a long shot. The experts have their own ideas:

Mick Jagger, 87, lead singer of popular rock combo The Rolling Stones — "Yeah, man, groovy idea, like, somefin a bit funky, a bit bluesy, you know like. Keef, Keef man... we gotta get the Stones back on the road man, Keef..."

Lord Sir Bob Geldof, campaigner — "Not before fuc*king time. There are people dying in Africa, not through starvation or civil war, but throwing themselves under fuc*king trains every time they hear colonial brass bands playing it in Nairobi and Lagos. Get that fuc*king awful song changed. It's costing lives. Anything. Anything would be better: One Step Beyond by Madness, anything..."

Pete Doherty, hopeless smackhead and friend of Reg Dwight — "Uh, not why I've er, see when, er ..."

Charles Kennedy, leader of the Liberal Democrats — "Jelly, blancmange, squashy cushions, fudge. Hate it. But I'm Scottish and we have our own anthem so fuc*k you."

Jay Kay, ridiculous hat wearer from Jamiroquai — "Yeah, cool man, I'll rewrite it, somethin like. 'oh baby, baby we all, we all need a space man now baby, a million miles away from my baby now, we are space babies, baby'..."

A Royal Commission will be set up to consider a new British national anthem and from October onwards they'll be inviting ideas from the public for alternatives. "We want to know if people want the anthem remixed, rearranged or maybe use an existing song instead, or maybe something entirely new. Let us know." You can contact the Home Office by email, include the words 'that fuc*kin awful song' in the subject line and tell the government what you want instead. Or Text FAS to 6889 (calls cost £26 per minute) and then suggest your alternative. Failing that, next time you're at a sporting occasion and hear the song boo like your genitals depend on it and let the world know that the national dirge has had its day.

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