Titmuss lays claim to 'Big Easy' title

Taking advantage of a little-known piece of maritime law, fallen woman and full-time slut Abi Titmuss has declared that she is to be now known as "The Big Easy". "People have suggested I'm being mercenary what with what has happened in the United States but I'm not bothered. They have enough sluts of their own so I know I'll never break the American market. When my shipping lawyers rang me and told me that New Orleans had ceased to exist having become part of the Gulf of Mexico I was over the moon. I knew that meant the copyright on The Big Easy was available so I snapped it up," John Leslie's old cock-puppet recounted to Fat Ugly Slappers magazine.

The Department of Trade and Industry has promised to launch a full inquiry after both readers of The Guardian complained that The Daily Express calls itself "The World's Greatest Newspaper". Media lawyers have warned that such conjecture is almost impossible to prove or disprove but the DTI intends to carry on regardless. "As a bureaucratic entity directly linked to Whitehall, we have a responsibility to President Blair's public to investigate all inquiries thoroughly and comprehensively. We specialise in investigations of a pointless and hugely expensive variety," said DTI spokesman Osama Bin Laden.

Media watchdogs today warned presenter superstar Nancy Dell'Olio that her relationship with Swedish idiot Sven Goran Eriksson may have long-term consequences for her burgeoning career. "No one likes a loser," reminded PR guru Max Clifford, "And they don't come much bigger than the incompetent Swedish imbecile who the FA seems to think knows about football." Dell'Olio, who hosts hugely popular television programmes like Footballer's Cribs on MTV, has also forged a lucrative career as a drag queen in London's gay nightclub circuit. Her cabaret act, which heavily features her now infamous 12" cock, has breathed new life into the capital's homosexual nightlife which continues to struggle to come to terms with the fact Westlife's Mark Feehily claims he is gay.

Sticking with the world of media, Pop Idol genius and X Factor kingpin Simon Cowell came under fire from America's President Bush this morning. Insiders inside Washington's Oval Office have revealed that Bush chastised ITV's pantomime villain "sternly" for having filmed 14 hours worth of American Idol auditions inside New Orleans' Superdome over the past week. "The President felt it inappropriate that Simon Cowell, Sharon Osborne and that Irish guy continued to reap the financial rewards from the desperate and talentless in the midst of hurricane Katrina," sniffed a White House spokesrepublican. Neither Simon Cowell, Sharon Osborne or professional Irishman Louis Walsh was available for comment at time of going to press as they were on set filming X Factor auditions in Baton Rouges' damp General Hospital.

Rover jobs blow: A correction. A printing error in last week's article on Rover led us to inadvertently transpose two words in the title. This should have read: "Rover blow jobs". De Management would like to apologise to any readers who may have been offended by the title of the original piece. Our popular series on canine bestiality in the UK continues next week with a penetrating look at mobile poodle hairstyling salons and asks whether this really is the new trend in doggie fashion.