That UK hurricane relief plan in full

The largest economy that the world has ever seen is unable to put its hands on a few bob just at the moment and has asked its friends to chip in. Blair, panting like an eager spaniel puppy, is first in the queue. The Rockall Times reports on the UK aid plan.

Widely reported are 500,000 date-expired combat ration packs, thought by experts on US dietary habits to provide about 200,000 regular or 100,000 super-size portions. Sources inside Downing Street reveal that this is just the first instalment in an integrated aid package which should leave the people of Louisiana in no doubt just how much the British value their erstwhile colonial cousins.

"Off-loading those ration packs was a stoke of genius," Said Major Tim Barraclough of the Queen's Own Highland Pastry Chefs. "We were going to have to pay Cleanaway to incinerate them; they all pre-dated the First Gulf War and half of them pre-dated the Falklands as well. Good God, some were even stamped 'Crimea' and marked 'Best before January 1855'. I don't suppose the 11th Hussars needed them in the end," he chuckled.

The Government is also looking round for other suitable aid, and has compiled a list of nutritional consultants which Britain could spare. "It will be a difficult for us," said Hillary Benn, Secretary of State for International Development, "but we are going to have to let some of our finest nutritionalists work in the US for extended periods."

We understand that Ainsley Harriott, Jamie Oliver, Gary Rhodes and Delia Smith have all been issued with compulsory overseas aid orders under the new Prevention of Being Bloody Irritating Act (2005) which was rushed through with cross-party support earlier this week. These will follow an instalment of dinner ladies who were sent last week under a little-known provision of the food hygiene laws.

"The dinner ladies have been a great success," enthused Benn. "Watery mince, lumpy mashed potatoes and nuked cabbage all delivered with chirpy 'Mrs Mop' style banter is exactly what you need if you have just been flooded out of your home."

We tracked down the husband of one of the dinner ladies as he relaxed with friends at the Queen's Head, Godalming. We asked how he thought the Americans would react to a taste of authentic British home cooking. "Poor bastards, as if they haven't suffered enough?" was all he would say as he stared wistfully into his pint of mild and bitter.

Despite the apparent lack of real substance, British aid plans are actually quite advanced. "Once the floods have subsided we will be issuing more compulsory overseas aid orders," said Benn. "To help with reconstruction we will send Carole Smiley, Handy Andy and Llewelyn-Bowen — if he survives his current mission in Democratic Republic of Congo. The entire cast of DIY SOS have been put on 24-hour standby, although sometimes they can be quite funny so we are deferring a final decision."

We understand that an offer to create a community garden with gravel path, decking, a nice pergola and water feature incorporating one of the minor levee breaks were rejected under local laws prohibiting the displaying of erect nipples except during Mardi Gras, so the Ground Force team has instead been airlifted to Zimbabwe where it will make over a cemetery with gravel path, decking, a nice pergola and water feature.

The EU has been stung into action by the UK's rapid and generous response and has found large consignments of bras and silky pyjama outfits with funny pointy hats which are already being loaded into container ships.

Other countries chipping in include; Bangladesh (sacks of grain), India (sacks of grain), Sudan (sacks), Switzerland (squeegee mops and buckets) and N. Korea (250,000 heavily-armed troops). Concern over the possibility of corruption in the administration of the aid programme were largely allayed when the UN withdrew its tender.

City Authorities in New Orleans seemed desperate to reciprocate in some way. Mayor Ray Nagin said "You have given so much and we have so little to offer in return." He thought for a moment. "Look I'll tell you what, George Bush has only three years left in office – would you like a second-hand President? You can take the half-wit now so far as I'm concerned. Would you like him gift wrapped in concrete?"

So, a vision of hell, but human nature shines through. Even the tiny island of Rockall is considering allocating some of its top-quality guano to the Louisiana State Government. "You can use it to build nests," explained a spokesgannet. "It also adds spice to army-issue bully beef, if properly dried."

Previously

• New Orleans: Our chilling eyewitness report
• Relief floods into disaster-raped island
• Congo volcano catastrophe — nobody important affected