England slammed for post-Ashes bender

Whatever happened to hookers and coke?

by Ian Ascough

England's all-conquering cricket team suffered further criticism today for the way they have celebrated since regaining a small phial full of dust from Shane Warne.

Pete Doherty: Preposterous The English heroes and Ian Bell spent the 72 hours following their epic victory at The Oval drinking lager, champagne, gin and socialising. Their behaviour has shocked an English public more accustomed to their sportsmen celebrating rare athletic achievements by spit-roasting slappers, vomiting in the streets, fighting, buying Class-A narcotics like ketamine and losing to Germans on penalties.

One man was so perturbed by the conduct of Freddie "Andrew" Flintoff and England captain Michael "Charisma" Vaughan he sent an email to The Rockall Times Health and Beauty editor. "Is drinking alcohol really the way to celebrate a win? Think of the example it's setting for our children. My kids Jordan and Abi were caught up in the whole Ashes excitement but now they think cricket is old fashioned and more for people who spend their times in pubs drinking bitter and playing dominoes," wrote Dr. Ayman al-Zawahiri.

Other England fans were equally scathing. "Is drinking alcohol the only way to celebrate a win? What happened to hookers and coke?" asked pensioner and mother of four, Condoleeza Bush, 67, of Tooting, South London. "We the public have a right to pour mock scorn on those in positions of influence. For some of us it's all we live for and quite frankly buying The News of the World of a Sunday to read that these men have been behaving impeccably is not something we should have to endure. It was following the debauched greats like Ben Johnson, Adrian Mutu, Richard Pryor, Paul Gascoigne, Cliff Richard and Vitas Geralitis that formed the bedrock of our celebrity-mad society."

Final Test star Kevin Pieterson was last night snapped coming out of a high-class nightclub with his hair streaked with blonde highlights. Outraged onlookers reported the star batsman was so inebriated he had begun talking in a South African accent. "Thank you all for being so supportive of us during the summer," Pieterson slurred through his interpreter, Ashley "The Guardian" Giles. "It's all overwhelming and hugely appreciated." PR superstar Max Clifford reacted to Pieterson's comments by admitting the cricketer hasn't a hope of a career in the business we call show. "He's simply too nice despite his shite haircut. The cricketers are almost Victorian in their adherence to decency, clean living, good manners and sportsmanship. Frankly it's such an outdated concept I wouldn't be able to work with any of them."

Not all cricket lovers were quick to deride our cricketing tutelaries, however. Mr. Eden Eustice, who only survived Hurricane Katrina by virtue of the fact he lives in Shitlington Crags, Tyneside, wrote in to Headline Breaking Exclusive Sky News: "Is drinking alcohol the only way to celebrate a win? Of course the players set a bad example to young followers. What happened to wholesome milk or freshly squeezed orange juice?" Our Rockall Times Health and Beauty expert, Pete Doherty, moved quickly to scotch Mr. Eustice's frankly ludicrous notion. "The man's a fool. What a preposterous statement. Everyone knows that the orange juice will make the milk curdle in your stomach."

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England slammed for post-Ashes bender

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