There’s fuc*k all on Rockall   57°35’48”N 13°41’19”W
Contact The Rockall Times FAQ
  Monday 19th September 2005  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
[E] [P] [I]

US ups ante in apocalypse warning protocol

Hurricanes called Katrina just not cutting it, authorities admit
by Regina Marracco

As Hurricane Ophelia moves toward landfall in North Carolina, and Mississippi and Louisiana are still reeling from the devastation caused by Katrina, the US National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) weather service announced a bold, new strategy for Hurricane Season 2006.

At a press conference held in St. Tropez, France (sunny, high 70s), Dr. Felix "Stormy" Weathers announced that commencing with the 2006 season, hurricanes will no longer be called hurricanes. Rather, they will be known as "terrorcanes".

"It has become painfully apparent," said Dr. Weathers, "that people don't pay any attention to warnings about storms named 'Emily' or 'Frances' or 'Dennis'. My fourth-grade teacher was named Miss Emily, and she wouldn't hurt a fly."

Based on this reporter's interviews with survivors from New Orleans who managed to escape that city's apocalyptic horrors by virtue of being at their ski chalet in Aspen, Colorado when the shit hit the fan, New Orleans Emergency Preparedness Director Bubba Jefferson sadly noted: "Ah do declare... who all's gonna run from a storm named 'Katrina?' Katrina sounds like a sweet little girl, like on that box of hot chocolate. When did y'all hear of a fresh-faced Katrina killin' thousands of people on a hitherto unimaginable biblical scale?"

Dr. Weathers went on to say that, in consultation with the Department of Homeland Security, the predicted 2006 tropical storms will be given Muslim names, as "anything with a Muslim connotation scares the crap out of already paranoid Americans and media alerts to get out of town before 'Abdul-Quaahar' rain watery death upon them will grab people's attention."

Sipping an aperitif under a blue and white striped umbrella, Dr. Weathers' assistant, Mlle Camille Chirac, read out the names of the 2006 terrorcanes in a charming French accent. They include: Abdul-Quahhar (the Subduer), Baasim (the Smiter), Faakhir (the True Path), Ghazzi (the Conquerer), Haatim (the Judge), Izz Udeen (the Right of Faith), Jihad (George W. Bush), Kaamil (the Perfect). Labeeb (Smarter than the Infidels), Musad (Camel, Joe Camel), Naatim (the Arranger), Osama (c'mon, you don't need this one explained), Qutaybah (the Deliverer), Ridhwan (the Revenge Seeker), Salah Hudeen (the Righteous), Taamir (the Apocalypse ), Uqbah (the End of Everything), Waa'il (Gimme Shelter), Yassir (That Guy from the PLO), and Zaafir (the Victor).

Previously

 Go on then, hard man