Judgement Day for junk food?

Much-loved and never-knowingly-steroid-enhanced Austro/American actor-cum-politician, Arnold "Terminator" Schwarzenegger, last week provoked outrage and praise in equal measure with his decision to ban junk food from Californian schools.

Speaking at a conference the "Governator" said in translated pigeon English: "It's onli fare dat our cheeldren have zee best start in life, whatever their creed or color, even the majority from obese homes must learn the benefats of halthy fud. If zay want to eat uzerwise, zen they vill have to ansa to either me or Sarah Connor".

Whilst the move has been greeted warmly by sandal wearers and beard-sporting, organic-farm-owning ex-hippies, unsurprisingly the news has been greeted with mixed sentiment elsewhere. On the stock market Waffle's R Us stock slid 85 per cent upon the announcement whilst a spokesperson from rival McDonut's said: "Pompous European wan*ker, d'ya'll think he got to look like Mr Universe by eating healthily?" before depositing a copious amount of chewing tobacco-stained phlegm on our reporter's left shoe.

In protest, several average-sized obese teenagers from affected schools have been driven to the foot of the governor's office stairs, where they are waiting breathlessly for an escalator to be constructed, so they can complain in person. Police have cordoned off the area whilst a fleet of rapid response fast food vans head in from South LA. A surreal atmosphere pervades as the protestors chants of: "Don't take our freedom of choice", "I want a cheeseburger — NOW" and "What the Fuc*k is lettuce anyway?", mingle eerily with the sounds of their rumbling stomachs and shouted questions from lost Katrina aid drafted troops asking directions to Mississippi.

Unsubstantiated but ugly rumours abound that Arnie's new found passion for healthy eating stems subconsciously from his humorously unsuccessful foray into the fast food world, with fellow intellectual heavyweights Bruce Willesden & Sylvester the Cat. Pundits recall Planet Mouldywood, their poor imitation of Hard Rock Café, floundered spectacularly some years ago amid much media glee and mocking from an unusually savvy buying public.

With Arnie sticking firmly to the moral high ground on this issue in case of unexpected floods of public outrage (or perhaps water), our intrepid reporter sought the opinion of Bruce and Sylvester. Bruce's eloquent "Really?" before slamming the door gave little away, however, Sylvester's refusal to comment was more illuminating having issued the following statement in somebody else's handwriting: "Can't speak now, I'm busy ironing my mom."

Previously

• Scientists hail miracle diet
• Food giants back call for smaller portions
• Food additives hailed as end to child lethargy