US downplays genetically-engineered bubonic plague mouse threat

'No reason to worry'

by Regina Marracco

Newark, New Jersey — The FBI confirmed this week that three mice infected with bubonic plague are missing from a bioterrorism research lab at the University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey in Newark. The genetically-engineered mice were among 24 being used in trials of an experimental plague vaccine. Although what happened to the mice is not known, officials in orange bio suits assured the public that "there's no reason to worry".

Special Agent Stanley Hoover of the FBI's Newark Field Office said: "So far, our interrogations have uncovered no evidence of terrorism or mice-napping at the lab, although the project director, Dr. Osama Hussein, coincidentially left for his annual pilgrimage to Mecca the day before the disappearance was discovered. The FBI is expending a tremendous amount of manpower and taxpayer dollars to find these critters."

There were three sets of eight mice used for the experiment. One set received a proven vaccine, one set received the trial vaccine, and the third set received no vaccine. All 24 mice were then injected with the plague. Animal handlers were at a loss to explain why only 21 mice remained at the test conclusion. Assistant Lab Director, Dr. Saddam bin Ladin, offered a theory that the missing mice were eaten by their cagemates. "We didn't want to bring in the FBI," Dr. Bin Ladin admitted. "If the AWOL mice were just infected with tuberculosis, let's say, we would have just tweaked the numbers in the reports."

A Centers for Disease Control (CDC) spokeswoman, preparing to board a plane at Atlanta's Hartsfield Airport for a flight to Tenerife, said "there is no indication that this is a public health threat".

Employees at the lab go through five separate electronic checkpoints and three manual checkpoints to enter and exit the facility. Officials are reviewing the security tapes to confirm that Dr. Hussein left the lab with only his personal pets, three pink miniature pork-bellied pigs, named Jamal, Jaffir and Jihad.

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US downplays genetically-engineered bubonic plague mouse threat

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