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Renee and Kenny split bombshell rocks showbiz

The showbusiness world was rocked last week to the very foundations of self-obsession and Bolivian marching powder on which it rests with the news that highly-talented actress Renee Zellweger is to split from husband Kenny Chesney.

Our entertainment correspondent, Paparazzi O'Leery was at the press conference where Ms. Zellweger cited Mr. Chesney for "fraud" although not in the literal sense of the word. After the shock-horror-gasp news was announced, O'Leery managed a short interview with a close "friend" of Ms Zellweger's, Candy Sycophant, who gave a rambling and sometimes unintelligible account of the events leading up to the couple's break-up.

"Well, you know, we were all like sooo stunned when Rene gave us the lowdown, like we didn't believe her, you know, yeah, whatever Renee, nice gag!" gasped Sycophant. "But after like, me and a few of the Girls went round for brunch the next day, it was sooo obvious she was straight up. Wow, like, End of the World huh? I mean, who would of thought of all people it would be them? I mean they had a sooo long courtship, like four months? Forever or what? And when they had that cute wedding on St. John Island, me and the girls were like, yeah, this is the real deal! But hey, four-and-a-half months of marriage? Like a long, long time man, so I can see how they kinda like, grew apart and needed to explore themselves, know what I'm saying?"

Ms. Zellweger gave her reasons for the split as "fraud" from the country singer although stated this as to be merely "legal terminology and in no way a slur on Kenny's character". Lawyers acting on behalf of Mr. Chesney are still baffled as to what this is precisely supposed to mean and in a press release from Kenny's law firm Tagnut, Winnit, and Skidmark, leading partner Earl Skidmark stated: "Mr. Chesney is understandably mystified by this statement from Ms Zellweger and has counter-cited her on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, such as having a diet/binge problem whereby he doesn't know if he is coming home at night to a balloon or a stick, wearing repulsive undergarments making sexual relations nigh impossible, spending most of her time writing a diary and lastly speaking in an ever changing accent which is something between BBC English and Afrikaans."

Bono was unavailable for comment last night.

Previously

• Aniston-Pitt: The heartbreak and the anguish
• Couple to divorce despite three-years' constant arguing
• Afghan divorce rate soars

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