Volcanic protuberance menaces Oregon

Corvallis, Oregon — A large, slow-growing volcanic bulge in western Oregon is attracting the attention of scientists and fundamentalist Christians. Seismologists believe the bulge is the beginning of a volcano. Fundamentalists believe it is a sign from God that America is traveling down the slippery slope to annihilation.

The bulge was first spotted by a United Airlines pilot, Captain "Chick" Toppgun, on a routine flight over the Cascade Mountains from Vancouver, B.C. to Portland. Unfortunately, his microphone was on, and passengers and air traffic controllers heard him say to co-pilot, Mitzie "I can take you flying" Cunningham: "Would you look at that? If my dic*k was that big, I guess you'd stop complaining."

The comment caused a media frenzy, and seismologists from the Cascades Volcano Observatory and a Televangelist from Boone, Arkansas rushed to the scene, a sparsely populated area three miles southwest of South Sister, a mountain near Bend, Oregon. The US Geological Survey team, and the preacher all agree that the bulge, located on a bare patch of land with some scrub pines at the southern end, does, in fact, look like a giant penis slowly becoming erect.

Michael McCondom, the Senior Geophysicist at the Observatory, enthused: "Wow. The boner is rising at a rate of 1.4 inches per month. It's probably filling up with magma, but, who knows for sure?" The televangelist, Brother Love, commented on CNN: "Obviously, Our Sweet Lord is truly getting frustrated with America's godless pursuit of gratification. What more fitting sign could we all have than a giant ejaculation of hot lava or joyjuice that wipes out the state of Oregon?"

The geologists and fundamentalists will continue to monitor the progress of the bulge. Mr. McCondom was unable to predict with any certainty when it might blow. At press time, there was no definitive answer as to whether the bulge is a Roundhead or a Cavalier.

Previously

• Congo volcano catastrophe — nobody important affected
• The great euro cock-up
• Man's 11-inch penis is just car substitute, claim friends