Blair: 'We won't cut and run'

Embattled leader Tony Blair has promised not to make any early exit from the morass that has marked his period in office, despite a veritable Screwfix catalogue of bad news and criticism of his dynamic leadership style.

At a ceremony to mark the fiftieth relaunch speech of his third term the prime minister declared: "When we made the decision to go in that decision was based on the long haul. To pull out now and to leave things to these people would be a betrayal of all we hold dear. This cannot and will not be allowed to happen."

The increasing success of the insurgents — or Brownites as they sometimes like to be described — in sowing generalised fear and terror has led some in the Labour Party to demand an immediate withdrawal from the Green Zone — or Downing Street as it is known colloquially — back to Barbados.

But Blair has rejected what he calls the "easy option", telling colleagues that a withdrawal policy would provoke an "all-out civil war". Despite his Churchillian rhetoric some commentators now say that the situation is so bad that there is no choice but to accept that the battle is lost.

The mastermind behind the insurgency is rarely seen but some reports describe him as being "holed up" in a secret redoubt in Scotland although there are also persistent rumours that he may have a base in London. Reports suggest that even Blair's Elite Extra-Special Republican Guards, drawn from the toughest and most loyal party conference stewards, would be unable to protect their leader from a concerted attack on his base.

One source told The Rockall Times: "There's no doubt that Brownites have infiltrated the security services and the Labour Party. We keep hearing that it's now a credible force able to defend itself against the rebels but quite frankly it's rubbish — at the first sign of action they'll defect to the insurgency taking their manifesto pledges with them."

Indeed, many of the foot soldiers in Blair's army have spoken of their disgust at the poor quality of equipment with which they are expected to face a merciless enemy. Indications are that whole sections of the party are armed with nothing more than obsolete hardware such as the The Third Way and the collected speeches of Tessa Jowell.

Previously

• Jubilant Blair trounces Ba'ath opponent
• 'We will never negotiate with terrorists' — Blair
• Wobble-free Blair hails new world order