Gordon Brown stares into growth drop abyss

The Chancellor Gordon Brown is reported as "beside himself" with fear that the forecasted growth for his prize dahlias may not reach the projected 3 to 3.5 per cent during this year.

Hopeful of retaining the coveted Dahlia Cup at the prestigious Inverploppy Horticultural Society Show, the Iron Chancellor was earlier in the year buoyant about the state of his beloved blooms, but last night was in emergency talks with fellow horticulturists in Washington DC.

For years now he has swept the board at Inverploppy, gaining accolades from across the Globe for the health and vitality of his blooms and the way in which he has managed his garden. However, due to unforeseen World circumstances, such as freak weather conditions, a sharp increase in the price of Baby Bio and a shortage of John Innes number 3 compost, Brown may have to look to drastic measures if he has any hope of beating his rivals this year.

Previous winners include "Laughing" Bob Mugabe of Harare who has since lost much of his international esteem in the wild gardens category and Ossie Bin Laden, until a few years ago a prolific poppy grower who regularly swept the board in this category, but has put in such a catastrophic showing at Inverploppy in recent times that he has believed to have gone into hiding due to the shame of losing his status.

Previously

• Labour in disarray over mislaid soundbite
• How close are Brown and Blair? This close
• The shocking truth behind that sensational 'Gordon Brown at the Guardian' power breakfast