Philadelphia DA exposes sickening trade in Catholic priests

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania — In a bold, pre-emptive strike, Philadelphia District Attorney, Lynn Abraham, released a 400+ page Grand Jury Report on the newest sex scandal to embarrass the Roman Catholic Church. Ms. Abraham admitted to waiting for the Katrina and Rita fiascos to be "old" news before calling a press conference to excoriate the current spiritual leader of the Philadelphia Archdiocese, Justin Cardinal Rigali, and his immediate predecessors, Anthony Cardinal Bevilaqua and John Cardinal Krol. Additionally, Ms. Abraham admitted to be of the Jewish faith, and didn't give a "tinker's cuss" about being excommunicated by the cardinal.

The Grand Jury Report, dubbed Alius Fornicatius Opprobius (Another Fuc*king Scandal), is the result of a two-year impanelment of fifty jurors who heard testimony from victims, abusers, and the church officials who covered it all up in a dastardly plan referred to by all the players as "bishops helping bishops". Simply put, abusive clerics were "traded" (much like sports stars) from parish to parish, or diocese to diocese, when scandal or something equally sinister reared its ugly head.

Sixty-four priests were named as abusers. Of the sixteen still in active ministry, five were traded to the Havana Hombres baseball team, in a deal between Fidel Castro, the Archdiocese of Philadelphia, and the Philadelphia Phillies Baseball Club for a left handed relief pitcher who will say mass in Spanish on alternating Sundays. An additional five offenders are being removed from their positions at the local Catholic Youth Organization. The six remaining "shepherds" are under "Orange Alert security measures", according to Archdiocesan spokesboy, Timmy J., seemingly confusing them with a minister from Pittsburgh who taught in an ashram in Kabul on an exchange program.

Cardinal Rigali issued a statement strongly urging Catholics not to read the Grand Jury's Report, calling it "catholic bashing", noting that the D.A. is a non-Christian and has a skewed agenda. "Besides," he said, "the statute of limitations has run out on all of the cases anyway." There is no definitive word on whether the local faithful followed the Cardinal's suggestion.

This reporter contacted the Vatican Press Office for a comment, but Msgr. Antonio Soprano, feigned ignorance of the matter. I also asked him why, as a veteran of twelve years of Catholic school, (I can swear that no panting padre ever copped a feel of my hooters in Biology class) nobody tried to molest me. What am I? Chopped liver? All I ever got was fifty Hail Marys at confession. Every time. Msgr. Tony said that was because I kept letting Joey Baldassari get to "second base".

His Popiness, who normally has an opinion on just about everything, has kept a low profile the last week. The Vatican circular says that he is "touring synagogues in Bavaria" with the Alpine Under-14 Ski Club. Traveling incognito, Benny XVI has, apparently, not read the report, and as long as he doesn't, "he can't pronounce on something he's not aware of" noted one of his Swiss Guards. The Guard would not confirm the formation of an Eleventh Commandment, "No More Gay Priests", nor would he verify that Bernard Cardinal Law is drafting an encyclical for the pope to be entitled "Clerici Arcano Amore Adulescentuli Est Taboo" (Priests Secretly Loving Boys is a No-no).

Previously

• Pope in porn furnishings bust
• Church of England rent asunder by gay thunderbolt
• Pope calls for return to core Catholic values