Britain braces for flu terrordemic

Worrying news from the Department of Health today that an epidemic of flu is about to hit the UK, leaving in its wake millions of uncontrollably snotty noses. Health chiefs admit that the NHS would be overwhelmed and there are just not enough beds to cater for the sick.

The prime minister, Saint Tony of Blair, said that measures are being hurriedly introduced to stall the wave of flu, which during the last epidemic in the 20s killed about two million people across the UK. Emergency precautions will include:

• Stockpiling of the drug Tamiflu, with enough inoculations to vaccinate the elderly aged between 110 and 130 and of course the government.
• Setting up emergency one-stop aid stations to dole out Vicks, chicken soup and a hot toddy. These are to be based in prime locations such as St Kilda for Scotland and the Goodwin Sands for Kent.
• Compulsory Government purchase of tissues, but not those nice Kleenex Aloe Vera ones, plans are to buy 150 tonnes of Happy Shopper value tissues at 0.49p for 10,000 to dish out to Joe Public.
• Closing of the country's borders and putting a stop on people travelling to thwart international contamination. Asylum seekers and towel-headed suicide bombers will of course be allowed to come and go as they please.

Industry chiefs are naturally worried. Mr. Herbert Crackhead, a spokesdildo from the DTI said: "We are naturally concerned that people will use the flu outbreak as an excuse to chuck a sicky causing thousands of lost man hours to British businesses. We at the DTI are well aware that a good 80 per cent of those taking time off work are in actual fact skiving, spending their bonus days getting pissed or going to the footy. Well, we won't stand for it. We are introducing teams of DTI Inspectors to go round to their houses and if they aren't in bed with a temperature and the shakes, then they are for the high jump, I can tell you."

Mr. Crackhead then excused himself to hurry to Kings Cross Station for an important meeting with a companion.

Previously

• Britain braces for bird flu apocalypse
• Jesus H. Christ we're all going to die!
• Scientists prove everyone on planet 'already dead'