New look for New Labour

To reduce confusion as to who is acting as security at future Labour Party Conferences the personnel are to be given a new uniform to distinguish them from delegates.

The move was prompted by an incident at this year's New Labour conference when an 82-year-old terrorist agitator tried to manhandle two fragile security guards out of the conference hall after they admonished him over his vicious verbal assault on shaken foreign secretary Jack Straw. In the violent confusion another delgate, unaware that the two security operatives were simply attempting to contain a potentially-dangerous undermining of democracy, weighed into the scuffle in support of the belligerent octogenarian.

The smart new look will consist of a brown shirt and tie and red arm band, designed for New Labour by top European image consultant Leni Riefenstahl. It caused a sensation earlier this year when Prince Harry modelled an early version at a friend's birthday party.

At the press conference called to show off the new apparel a cheerful Jack Straw waved at the rapturous audience as he proudly showed off the new design. He then spoke loudly for nine hours about the need for "respect" and his plans to guarantee Britain's security through an audacious combination of voluntary ID cards and military action abroad.

He denied, however, that old-style Labourites would at next year's party conference be obliged to wear red-star armbands to facilitate their detention and relocation to the "East" — thought to mean detention centres in East Anglia.

Previously

• The House of Windsor: Fancy dress or Final Solution?
• Blair rips open shirt on open government
• New Labour bewildered at anti-Semitic rumpus