Revealed: You're all going to work for Tesco

Recently-published financial performance from high street and green belt eroding colossus Tesco showing that fully 50 per cent of every pound spent in the UK is spent via their stores has been greeted with glee by shareholders and Tesco directors alike.

Attired in formal Victorian garb replete with top hat, waistcoat, pocket watch and spats, Tesco CEO and part-time juggling unicyclist yesterday announced between puffs of pipe tobacco and amid quivering jowls: "We will re-invest the ah-hem, fruits, of our labours back into the very communities that have made us great." Pausing for theatrical effect and twiddling his impressive but greying handlebar moustache he added: "We will immediately create an additional 250,000 jobs, taking on the first new employees in January, simultaneously solving the post-Christmas worker glut and offering sound, fulfilling, full-time employment to all."

Mr G then proceeded to beckon nubile hand maidens who passed small but perfectly-wrapped gifts to the assembled press whilst he stooped to tickle a small stray dog under the ear, before apologising unconvincingly for slipping the word "fruit" into his announcement in a feeble senior management attempt at humour.

Whilst welcomed by a spokesperson for the DTI with a breathtakingly and wittily imaginative: "We welcome this," the reaction has been less positive throughout Middle England, reports of mixed emotions are coming in thick and fast from elsewhere in good old Blighty.

Unmarried mother of six Britney Cheesebox (15) of Bermondsey summed up the mood eloquently with this stream-of-thought invective whilst fumbling open a jumbo pack of Czech-labelled silk cut: "Wot do I wanna fuc*king job for eh?. I ain't got time, wot wiv baby Freddie, little Rooney, Chardoney an' Whitney at 'ome all day and visiting Dwayne an' Eric at borstal I just ain't got time for work. Look at mi luvly 'owse,” Cheesebox continued, gesturing with several bling-encrusted fingers towards the council provided three-bed terrace complete with wheel-less Ford Orion merging gently into the weed lawn. "Ow'm I gonna keep that spic and span if I 'av to work?"

After pausing to catch her breath between deep drawers of a Silkie, Cheesebox wheezed: "Also, I'd be skint, like 'ow would I get by after giving up the 75 grand a year I gets in benefits? Coz I'm disabled too, like innit," she whined, faking a limp whilst pointing to a faded 1978 vintage orange badge in the Orion window. "I just can’t work can I, me Burberry will get all creased."

Murmurs of disaffection have even spread beyond the UK, during a stop press interview the normally ultra reclusive Mr S Claus of Lapland stated: "I look forward mightily to the January break and resent the offer of full time work at this time of year. It's bad enough only being able to empty my sack once a year, then having to contend with diets and unintended New Year resolutions, I simply can't cope with shelf stacking a superstore."

Nearer to home, a name-withheld EU spokesfrog of number 17b, Rue de Baguette, Strasbourg, has secretly revealed a major constitutional row erupting in Brussels over this news: "If the British continue with this ruinous path as a nation of successful shopkeepers then they will clearly break EU budgetary guidelines and produce a net GDP profit. This is another clear example of the UK trying to scupper EU expansion and ideals, the French and Germans have clearly gone to enormous lengths in mightily screwing up their own economies and are adding hideous national debt every year, for the UK to reveal profitable business acumen is simply not on."

Previously

• Supermarkets count cost of takeover madness
• Bitter supermarket war escalates
• Sainsbury's to introduce organic-free range