Oi you immigrant bastard, did you spill my pint? (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

Downing Street today launched a revised prospectus of public policy improvement for the increased integration of minority cultures into the "British Way of Life™". At a literally empty press conference the PM's spokesperson condescended the following transcript to an echoing chamber:

"Following the successful introduction of the Britishness Test™ earlier this year, we are proud to announce the accelerated rollout of phase two. Originally we pledged to allow this to settle for a couple of years, but you know how it is once these things start, we never actually meant the part about taking it slowly, and the bureaucracy just sort of runs away with itself. Anyway, we got voted in again, so what can you do about it, eh?"

Lackeys quickly dispersed hand-written parchment copies expertly bound in expensively imported ecologically clubbed Canadian Sealskin to press, cleaning staff and bewildered passers-by alike, some of whom even bothered to read the title before binning. However, your diligent hack spent several moments extracting key areas of improved content and am delighted to report that the policy appears both well balanced and grounded in reality.

Below are reproduced (without permission) a few extracts.

The majority of the tome falls under the heading "Bar Etiquette", the guide clearly outlining correct British behaviour in a variety of everyday circumstances suitable for Public houses throughout the land and Wales:

Upon accidentally spilling a stranger's pint, one should first access the fighting capability of said stranger (Note — if in a group, carefully assess the whole group of his mates versus yours) and if it seems likely you'll be on the wrong end of a damned good British kicking you should indeed offer to purchase a replacement pint.

However, if said stranger obviously couldn't punch his way out of the proverbial wet paper bag or is soundly outnumbered, you should adopt a smirk, saying sarcastically: 'Sorry mate, sh*it happens.'

One should note that in the circumstance where unfavourable survival odds dictate the immediate purchase of a replacement pint, you should take special care NOT to leer into the cleavage of the strangers female companion, such an action is sure to invite the heavy duty thrashing you richly deserve.

Further chapters elucidate upon British employment etiquette:

Upon arriving late at your place of illegal employment it is important to give a fully credible British-style excuse. Acceptable excuses include, but are not limited to: 'Sorry I’m late, fuc*king tubes', 'That fuc*king mayor’s congestion charging scheme is irritating my tits off' or, 'Those fuc*king exploding towelheads have been at it again.'

Unacceptable excuses include anything related to your multiple illegitimate and scarily hairy children, PMT, household appliance failures, nor indeed any excuse that doesn't contain at least one example of the old Anglo Saxon multi-denominational adjective/noun/verb: Fuc*k.

Finally, this excellent illustrative example of how to dissipate potential conflict was spotted by our Albanian mafia contact:

If challenged with potential violence over your weird and frankly amusing accent one should gesture with both hands in conciliatory manner whilst announcing: 'It's OK mate, everyone's a foreigner if you go back far enough into the past, except Pikeys, who mysteriously have always lived here the fuc*kers.'

Whereupon the potential assault will dissipate, miraculously transforming into friendly camaraderie and eloquent discussion of groups disliked by all sectors of British society, namely: pikeys, American TV evangelists, politicians and the French.

Oi you immigrant bastard, did you spill my pint?

Previously