Middle England slams slut vaccine

Cervical cancer apoplexy

by How Tenji

News broke last week of a vaccine against two viruses which can trigger fatal cervical cancers. The vaccine is said to be 100 per cent effective. The guardians of Britain's already elastic morals are up in arms at the result of years of painstaking research which offers hope for millions around the globe.

On Friday, a fresh-faced female boffin bounced into the offices of The Rockall Times and explained: "This cancer kills about 250,000 women world wide each year. It is triggered by viruses which are transmitted from person to person by sexual intercourse."

"Pwffarrrr," said our editor. "Did she just say — you know? Pffwarrr."

"It's nothing to be bashful about," said the slightly flustered but extremely earnest scientist. "We must be completely open about this if we are to make the very best use of this new treatment. Vaccination should take place between age 10 and 13 — before women become sexually active. The virus causes genital warts in men and women and is passes from the man's penis... Is that man alright? He seems to be choking on something."

Our editor had turned an alarming shade of puce as he attempted to suppress the rising tide of his mirth. We carried him from the room and laid him down in a darkened room with a can of Guinness and twenty Benson and Hedges.

As we returned to the newsroom we met a tweed-clad old trout who demanded her views be heard.

"Giving this vaccine to children is absolutely disgusting," she shouted. "It will encourage them to experiment with under-age shenanigans."

The scientist interjected: "But if we don't give the vaccine they could die a horrible death."

"Just so," Said the old trout. "It's God's punishment. You should delay vaccination until marriage — that way you only save the girls who keep themselves nice. And if they marry nice clean chaps then they wont need the vaccine at all. It's all very silly. I'm still saving myself for Mr Right."

As if on cue our unshaven and somewhat crapulous editor returned. "Who let this old dragon in?" he asked as he rummaged in the fridge for another beer.

"Young man," she replied. "Let me tell you I am chairwoman of the Rockall Townswomen's Guild and I am not used to being spoken to in that manner."

"Look," said our editor. "This is a satirical newspaper written by a bunch of fuc*king loonies. Half of them are on mind-altering drugs and the other half should be. Your point of view is so stupid that it is impossible to satirise. The hacks have spent literally minutes thinking about this and believe me if they can't do it there is no-one else stupid enough to try. Now piss off out of my fictitious office and unless this scientist is going to offer us some really dirty sex you can take her with you."

The scientist looked at the fine specimens of satirical writers lolling about the smoke-filled room. She slowly backed towards the door.

Our visitors were last seem rowing furiously away in a small rubber boat. We returned to our favourite pastime of looking up rude words in the dictionary. This week we are covering G to K.

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Middle England slams slut vaccine

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