Supreme Court nominee provokes illiberal kerfuffle

Washington, D.C. — US President, George W. Bush, shocked political insiders last week by nominating his White House counsel, Ms Harriet Miers, to the United States Supreme Court to replace retiring Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. Mr Bush said that he will press for confirmation by Thanksgiving, a pre-emptive strike that gives lawmakers less than eight weeks to review her record and dig up any dirt on her.

The President's choice is a lawyer, but she has never served as a judge, making it pretty much impossible for both liberals and conservatives to figure out where she stands on hot button issues, such as abortion. "She has devoted her life to the rule of law and the cause of justice," Mr. Bush said. "Plus, she's a born-again Christian and ya all know how important that is."

Sen. Patrick Leahy, the ranking Democrat on the Senate Judiciary Committee, said her ability to distance herself from the president's narrow, fundamentalist agenda was key. "Ms Miers' views on certain issues will be critical for the Senate to examine," Sen. Leahy said. "It is crucial that we know whether she has the judicial balls to defy the president when the Supreme Court hears cases that are of particular interest to the current Administration or Halliburton." He went on to add that the only "policy paper" available under Ms. Miers' name is a "how to" guide for scrapbooking: "Don't Lose Your Treasured Memories to Mold."

President Bush, his approval rating plummeting in recent months, was under fire to nominate a woman or a minority for the top Court to replace O'Connor, a critical swing vote, who upheld the right to an abortion and affirmative action. Mr Bush admitted that he didn't personally know any "blacks or whatever, except the Mexicans who work on my ranch in Crawford, and none of them has a law degree."

Conservative groups, however, were also not pleased with the President's choice. The spokesnazi for Public Advocate called the nomination "a betrayal of the conservative, pro-family voters who put him in the White House in the first place." The fanatical anti-abortion squad, Operation Rescue, also issued a statement from an undisclosed location thought to be in the Appalachian Mountains: "The information we've hacked on Ms. Miers is very disquieting. She's a Southern Methodist and they're all notoriously pro-abortion. Plus they're gay lovers."

A White House spokesman said the president offered Miers the job on Sunday night at dinner, after a private church service in the White House chapel. Although there had been fifteen other contenders for the job, all of them had been found wanting, due to a variety of reasons, including "rents violent movies from Blockbuster", "dated Bill Clinton", "husband is Consiglieri for a Mob Family", "Goes on holiday to Key West", and the like. Ms Miers, who is single, spends her free time at church with her elderly mother. Mr Bush described her as having "keen judgment" and a "discerning intellect", despite her long friendship with him.

The confirmation hearing is scheduled to begin on Monday, pitting liberals and narrow-minded, rigid, bigoted, intolerant, parochial, bible-thumping conservatives against each other, instead of the traditional Republicans vs. Democrats skirmish Americans enjoy watching.

Previously

• Bush gets policy boost from Punxsutawney Phil
• Lesbians give Bush a good licking
• George Dubya Bush is stupid