Tory leadership race moves into overdrive

As people the breadth and length of Britain wonder which of the five politically fearsome beasts will lead the Conservative Party into what could potentially be the breakthrough election where they gain as many as 10 extra seats, there is a crying need to understand just who could be the new Iaiaian Duncan-Smith.

So who are they then, the five men who could turn the nation away from the decade of New Labour lies and spin and towards a Britain of Tory deceit and deception? Read on:

Hard Man

The early favourite, especially with himself, Hard Man says very little and says it very badly but looks jolly tough — backed up by the story of the time he beat up a schoolmate who foolishly argued against the possibility of imposing a flat tax system in Denmark. Believed to be preparing a "hard-hitting" campaign to win over undecided voters and says that the party must "reach out" to the excluded. No-one has any idea what he would do as leader, least of all himself.

Fat Bloke

Everyone loves Fat Bloke who is officially lovable, fat, and a bloke. Practically a national treasure, Fat Bloke can often be found relaxing at the saloon bar of his local pub when a friendly photographer is nearby. Believed to buy clothes ready rumpled from his Mayfair tailor. Though he has spent the past few years selling drugs overseas and has failed to become leader on numerous occasions before, Fat Bloke is believed to be "up for it" this time despite being rather old. Sources close to his camp told The Rockall Times: "Fat Bloke insists the Conservative Party must become more tolerant and inclusive."

Nice Young Chap

Despite becoming Head Boy at Eton aged only twelve and known to wear a Top Hat while relaxing at the weekend, Nice Young Chap has recently established his populist credentials be insisting that he likes Ant And Dec and R&B. No-one believes him of course. Nice Young Chap has been described as the Conservative Party's answer to Tony Blair without ever discovering what question is being asked. Doesn't like to talk about the tragic history of his disabled child but has very generously agreed to do so on a regular basis to provide all the papers with some good copy. Wife rumoured to have become pregnant to coincide with the leadership election. Insists party must "value inclusivity" and promises to find out what this means if elected.

Owl Gentleman

Once the leading thinker in the Tory Party in Scotland (total membership: twelve), Owl Gentleman has years of experience and is believed to be one of the main theorists behind the brilliant double-Dutch whipping policy that led to the Labour Party actually nearly losing two out of the seventy-seven clauses of the Dangerous Animals in Care bill in the House of Lords in 2002. Friends say that "if the public decides a more thoughtful approach is required we could see a sudden surge in support for Owl Man". Chances are therefore nil.

Doctor Male

Once dated Natalie Umbruglia but despite this she is — unfortunately — not standing in this election. Doctor Male is the obligatory joke candidate in the pack with what are described as "hard-right" views on the EU and everything else. This darling of the grassroots via the rubber chicken circuit says there is no need to change anything. Chances are less than nil by mouth.

Previously

• Middle England™ warms to Ken Clarke
• New Tory shadow cabinet makes waves
• Tories embrace black candidates