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  Monday 10th October 2005  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Turkey avoids roasting in EU accession talks

Europe's gates now open to Muslim brothers
by Ian Mansfield

Following the agreement signed last week, which will permit Turkey to begin accession talks with the European Union despite the Muslim nation's inability to guarantee human rights to anyone but a purebred Turk with a provable ancestral lineage stretching back five thousand years, the autocrats in Brussels have turned their attention further afield to determine the next candidates for possible absorption into the world's happiest family of nations.

There has been much comment made that most of Turkey was on the wrong (non-Christian) side of the Bosphorus to be considered part of Europe, but the Brussels negotiators have decided to sidestep that issue in future, and have now named the following countries as candidates to commence talks to join the European Union:

  • Morocco
  • Algeria
  • Tunisia
  • Libya
  • Egypt

They explained that thanks to plate tectonics, in approximately 50 million years' time, these five nations will collide with the Southern EU25 nations and hence any problems about cultural dissimilarities provoked by a prolonged estrangement across water will no longer be relevant since Tripoli and Benidorm will by then be one huge conurbation called Tripidorm, committed to the advancement of Western-style democracy through cheap package holidays for all EU citizens, albeit by then 600 miles from the nearest coastline.

When a journalist noted that 50 million years seems an overly-optimistic timetable for an EU negotiation, José Manuel Barroso, President of the European Commission explained that the Commission had now the experience necessary to fast-track the accession talks and was confident that the five nations would be able to sign up as full members of the Union on the same day that the Mediterranean Sea drains its last drop into the Atlantic.

The accession of the five nations will also resolve the thorny Cyprus issue, as the island will have been crushed by advancing mainland nations before it got anywhere near a negotiating table.

The UK's Foreign Secretary, Jack Straw noted that this is a good move for the European Union since a prerequisite for membership of the EU is a pledge not to kill anybody unnecessarily, an ongoing problem in several wannabe member states where burgeoning raghead fundamentalism tops the political agenda. The unnecessary killing of Albanians is not covered by this requirement.

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